


Shelter

by Evening_Star



Category: Rush (2013)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Major Character Injury, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-09-30
Updated: 2013-10-28
Packaged: 2017-12-28 02:14:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 25,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/986469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Evening_Star/pseuds/Evening_Star
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Between a past he never wants to revisit, and a future that seems all too distant, James only lives in the now. 1976: the year that will go down in the history of F1, was also the year when James and Niki transitioned from rivals, to friends, and then maybe something even more…</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This is just the prologue of a multi-chapter fic, not sure how long it will be though. Only have this written so far but lots of plot bunnies running wild in my head, let's see how it goes. First story on AO3, please be gentle everyone! :P Feedback much appreciated!
> 
> WARNING: Major angst to come in later chapters, but lots of fluffy moments will be chucked in at some point, and eventual smut (They're very stubborn, so it's gonna take a while for them to become close friends before anything of that sort happens). Later chapters will probably need to be rated as mature...
> 
> Enjoy :)

1st June, 1976

James opened his eyes at the feel of a shiver running down his body, realising that he forgot the close the window last night. It was still dark, and he could barely read the 2AM sign on the clock. Sighing, he rubbed his sleep deprived eyes and groaned in irritation. His body ached, his head pounded, he could still hear the loud roaring of the engines like blood rushing to his eardrums. 

He hasn’t been insomniac for a long time, not since he signed with McLaren. 

Having given up any hope of falling asleep, he hauled himself into a sitting position, the sheets falling loosely down to his thighs.

James reached out a hand, almost blindly towards his bedside table, and after a few attempts found the little packet he was looking for. Taking a cigarette from the box, he lighted it with experienced hands and inhaled the smoke. It made him feel less anxious, and it wasn’t long before he moved on to the second one. 

After about four cigarettes he finally decided to get out of the bed. His head protested at every step he took, even his sight decided to fail him as he reached the lounge, nearly colliding with the sofa.

Good thing he didn’t. He noted as he stared down at the furniture, and what was on it. Or whom.

If someone told him six months ago that he was going to share a flat with Niki Lauda, his rival, the most annoying asshole and skilful driver he has ever come across, he’d have told them to quit the nonsense and the drinking. But now, looking down at the sleeping figure lying across the couch, it seemed he shouldn’t have discarded the idea so quickly.

It had been exactly six months since Niki showed up unexpectedly outside his door, luggage next to his feet, and told him in a less than cheerful tone that he needed somewhere cheap to stay, and apparently James’s flat seemed like the perfect option. Although James has been reminded on at least a dozen occasions that the decision was made by both of their companies, in an attempt to show friendly rivalry to the media, and that he couldn’t be less pleased about the arrangement, James had never taken his comments seriously. 

It was true that James hated Niki at first. What wasn’t to hate about the guy? He was uptight, boring, analytical to the point of being a robot. He was James’s opposite, everything James swore not to be in his life. But as they had been forced, more or less, to spend time together, James realised that a part of him also respected his fellow racer. He was intelligent, humorous and Christ, the guy can really drive! 

So it didn’t come as a surprise that it was Niki Lauda who won the Monaco Grand Prix yesterday. There was still that tingle of bitterness in his chest, but along with that was also a mix of admiration and pride for the Austrian driver. James hadn’t even protested when Niki pulled him out of the party and dragged him on a plane back to their apartment, even when he gave no apparent reason apart from the fact that he needed rest and the hotel facilities were clearly not suitable for any human beings. 

A little smile formed on James’s lips as he stared down at the sleeping figure; he looked so peaceful, so at ease, completely different to the Niki he had known on the tracks. It was hard to imagine that the guy that’s sleeping like a baby now was driving through the perilous circuit at 180mph merely half a day ago. 

People have never really understood why they race in the first place. It wasn’t the best job in the world, there’s always a chance that you could die; sure the prize money was big, but it certainly wasn’t worth all the sacrifices. James had never been able to offer any other explanation other than ‘just because’. There really wasn’t a way to describe it. He only knows that racing is the one thing right now that seemed to quench his thirst for adrenaline. 

Niki’s quiet snoring brought James’s attention back to the settee. He looked down at his rival, studying his sleeping face, realising with a mixture of wonder and amusement that Niki had surprisingly long eyelashes. They were visible even in the dim moonlight and probably beats most women James knew. He smirked at the thought that he can tease Niki for at least a week about how he resembled a girl, although he can’t deny the fact that he did find them very pretty.

James almost jumped in alarm as he saw those eyelashes he had just made fun of flutter. He sucked in a breath, nervous as to what explanation he would give if Niki suddenly woke up and saw him creepily standing over him. Still holding his breath, James heard a soft sound leave Niki’s lips before he became silent again, save for the low snores. 

Breathing out a relieved sigh, he tried to calm his racing heartbeats. Maybe he had too much to smoke; four in a row was a lot, even for James Hunt. But he had needed them to clear his head, because recently, whenever he’s around Niki, it feels as if he was going to do something stupid and impulsive. Something both of them will regret. It only seemed to go away when James was sucking substances into his body.

James found himself drawn to Niki’s face once again, and his attention focused dangerously on the pair of lips that were slightly parted. He swallowed, three times, but the feeling didn’t go away. He took five deep breaths, but his blood still boiled in his veins. Seemed like the cigarettes were no longer enough to keep him distracted. 

He didn’t even realise he had bent down until his left kneecap touched the wooden floor, and he was supporting himself with the edge of sofa in one hand and the coffee table in another. He could feel the veins in his neck bulging, could hear his frantic heartbeats echoing in his ears, and he swear a drop of sweat just rolled down his forehead. But it was too late to stop, because James could no longer tear his eyes away from what was under him. 

It didn’t make any sense, this powerful desire inside him that stirs awake whenever Niki looks at him, but James wasn’t one for logical thinking anyway. That was Niki’s area of expertise. James did things on an impulse, with no regard for the consequences.

Niki gave no sign as to whether he was awake or asleep. His breaths were even and soft, and James found himself leaning down more and more…the want to just close that last bit of distance was too demanding, too tempting for his self-control, if he had any. 

He should have gone back to bed, or made himself an extra strong coffee to drink, or called one of the girls he knew to relieve these tensions. They all made more sense compared to what he did next.

Without taking his eyes off his target, James lowered his head, his lips drawing a sharp breath. He hesitated for just a second, to remind himself of what he was doing, before brushing all logic aside and leaned in.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was so tempted to start this chapter with minutemarch's suggestion - that would have been EPIC. But sadly I had to put that idea further down the line as we backtrack to how it all started :) but rest assured, the scene at the end of the first chapter will be revisited later on...
> 
> Things might move a little slow in this chapter and the next few, just to set up a few pieces for the plot (yes, I know, actual plot!), and we all know how stubborn these two are, so if you're hoping for a declaration of love any time soon (not that I can imagine them doing that at all really), then you might be a little disappointed :P BUT there will be lots of UST moments between them in later chapters :P
> 
> It was really lovely to read all the comments - sounds lame but they made me feel all warm and fuzzy and I even did a little dance when I saw another person had comment :D Thank you guys! You've encouraged me to write and are the reason why I updated so quickly (even though I should really be doing work, and prepare for my interview tomorrow :/ but writing about them is so addicting!)
> 
> Hope this chapter meets everyone's expectations! I was really nervous when writing Niki as I wanted to keep him in character, hopefully it's not too terrible :/ would love to hear your thoughts, even if it's just to shout at me for not doing Niki justice.
> 
> P.S. Swearing is present in this chapter, because I feel like it keeps them in character more, don't read on if it offends you. I've changed the rating to mature anyway just to be on the safe side.

_1st January, 1976_

It was four in the morning when James reached his apartment in east London. Staggering a little, he paused on the stairs of the building and leaned for support against the wall; it seemed to move under his hand. Shaking his head in an attempt to sober up, he found that it just made the headache worse. He closed his eyes for a few seconds, his lungs felt sliced with each deep breath he took. There was that all too familiar feeling building at the back of his throat; if he took one more step, he was certain the dam would break.

To be honest, he didn’t even know how he managed to get back here in one piece. The last thing he remember properly was dancing with one of the Mexican girls, his hands wandering to places that he really shouldn’t be exploring with someone he’d just met. He hadn’t even drank that much, not by his standards anyway. He knew he was far too wasted for it to have just been the alcohol.

He took another step up, a huge mistake, as nausea washed over him and his dinner made an unwelcome appearance on the blue carpet of the apartment stairs. James hated this feeling; even though it had become a sort of ritual before his race, he could never get used to it. Coughing and spluttering whatever was left in him, he half fell against the wall and slumped down, breathing fast and shallow. It felt like he had just spewed his guts all over the floor; his landlady is going to murder him this time. It was his last straw, especially after the last time, when he not only stained the carpets with sick, but also with blood.

James Hunt was a man of many things, and he often tolerated many things, but he would never spike someone else’s drink. He liked fun, living his life on the edge, and even occasionally some of that illegal stuff that made his adrenaline pump, but James hated people who got off on intoxicating others without their consent.

He groaned, closing his eyes to the blinding lights in the hallway. It was New Year’s day for God’s sake! James should still be out partying until the sun goes down again, if he wasn’t so far gone that he barely remembers how he returned in one piece. It wasn’t the best start to a new year, he must admit.

He wasn’t sure how long he sat there, next to a puddle of his vomit, feeling damn sorry for himself, when someone touched his arm. James struggled to open his eyes, and through blurry vision found himself staring at the outline of a person looming over him. Brushing his dirty blond hair out of his face, he rubbed his eyes and tried to focus.

“What the hell are you doing here?” He slurred, probably incoherently, as he stared up questionably at Niki Lauda, who was staring down at him with his mouth open in shock.

“Go away. I’m not that wasted to start imagining things.” James reached out a hand as if to get rid of the apparent manifestation of Niki, but when his am brushed against Niki’s side, he frowned, looking up again with half opened eyes.

“You’re real?” James rolled his head back, hitting the wall. “Oh fuck, just great!”

“What – the hell?” Niki managed to speak as he continued to stare at the mess that was James Hunt.

Groaning, James pushed his arm against his rival, trying to get him to leave. “Get lost. Why are you here?”

Niki bent down so they were both at eye level. “Are you drunk?” James could hear the accusation and disapproval in his voice, but he couldn’t care less about that right now.

“Fuck off Lauda. I’m going to sleep.” He struggled to get up to his feet, failing three times, and finally made it to standing with Niki’s help.

“Oh, sleep. Good. Because I’ve been waiting outside this damn door for the last five hours while you,” Niki’s voice sounded very far away; “asshole, was out getting stoned like a teenager!”

James grumbled a string of curses, pushing past Niki and heading up to his door. Niki always had the natural ability to make him annoyed; everything the man said got on his nerves. Maybe it’s because they were polar opposites, as different as two human beings can be.

The keys slipped out of his shaky fingers, only to be picked up by Niki, who opened the door swiftly in one movement and walked in first, carrying what seemed to James like a very large suitcase.

“What…is that?” He pointed at the baggage in Niki’s hand, staring between the two.

“My luggage.” Niki said as a matter of fact, frowning. “No one told you? We are sharing this apartment for the time being, until something else comes up.”

James’s headache made it extra difficult for him to process everything he just heard. Niki Lauda is here with his bags, which means he’s staying here, in this apartment, with _James_. _James_ is sharing a flat with _Niki_.

By this point Niki had already headed into the lounge, dumping his bags onto the couch before slumping down on it.

James proceeded to then let out a series of colourful words that even made himself blush a little. “No! Wha – _no_ – why? How?” The shock seemed to have sobered him up a little, as he stared down at his new ‘flatmate’ in horror. “No, you’re not.” He pointed towards the door, where Niki should be heading to.

Niki, on the other hand, had already secured himself on _James’s_ furniture. “Don’t be immature, Hunt. I’m not overly joyed about this arrangement either.”

“So get the fuck out of my house, Lauda!” He snapped. This was not how he imagined his New Year’s day to be. No girls, no sex, not even a cigarette in sight, and his headache was killing him. On top of that he gets a new roommate who just happens to be _bloody Niki Lauda_.

Niki sighed, which seemed to make James’s anger fume even more. “It was agreed by both Ferrari and McLaren, your landlady has approved the arrangement, don’t be difficult about this. I don’t see what the big deal is.”

“The big – oh fuck…you’re kidding me. Why are you here? We’re not exactly best friends, you know.”

Niki gave him a hard look, narrowing his eyes. “Would you rather have me out in this freezing weather? I know we don’t like each other, I’m not blind, _James_. But you are all I have right now.”

Something in his voice sounded almost… _pleading_. But this was _Niki Lauda_ , who was staring up at James with defiant eyes; this was a man who would never admit his weakness, and would protect his pride until his dying breath. His words hang between the two of them uncomfortably, as he continued to stare at James with unrelenting force. James looked away first, feeling the awkwardness sinking in.

“What happened with Marlene?” It seemed strange to James that she wasn’t Niki’s first choice. She’s his _girlfriend_ , after all. There was a little sense of bitterness when he said her name; he hoped Niki hadn’t picked up on that.

There was a short silence, before Niki replied in a strained voice. “We had…a disagreement.”

James snorted, earning himself a glare from the man sitting on the sofa.

“So, are you going to let me stay?”

“What?” James felt ill again, the effect of whatever that was in his system was obviously still in power. “I don’t feel good.”

Another sigh from Niki. “Yes, I know. Do you think I feel good about this? Sharing a house with _you_? That’s–”

“I _really_ don’t feel good.” James managed to spit out the sentence before covering his mouth, staggering towards the bathroom. He barely made two steps away from the sofa before his knees gave out, and he dropped to the floor.

 

* * *

 

Niki slammed the bathroom door with more force than necessary, but he was _this_ close to committing murder and his self-restraint was going to snap soon if he didn’t get any rest.

It was bloody morning already; even the sun was out, taunting him. As he cleaned up the last bit of mess in the hallway, he approached the main bedroom and collapsed on the chair next to the bed. There were no longer any traces of sleepiness left in him, but he felt more tired than he has been in years.

Looking over at the bed, he felt the frustration build up inside him again. He should have just left him there, shouldn’t have bothered to spend the last few hours cleaning up his mess and making sure he didn’t choke in his sleep. It’s not like he’s James Hunt’s nanny! He had no obligations to help James. None whatsoever. They weren’t friends, and Niki doubted any of his _whores_ would have taken these responsibilities.

But Niki had. Against his better judgement, he had gotten James to bed, which was an incredibly difficult task given how strong he was; he’d helped James go to the bathroom in his delirious state and cleaned up his vomit, then dragged him back to bed when he collapsed on the marble floor. He’d even given up sleep to make sure James wasn’t convulsing in his unconscious state.

Niki was pretty sure what he did went beyond his normal responsibility. Not only did James make him wait for five hours in the hallway, he also passed out from whatever he had in his system and left Niki to babysit him the first night they move in together. He dreaded to think what the next few weeks will be like.

He cursed James loudly in his head. If he wasn’t desperate, he would never have come to James. God forbid! He was far too proud for that. Just the thought of asking James for help was embarrassing and shameful, so he had made up the story about their companies consenting to this because he couldn’t stand it if James knew Niki had come to him on voluntary terms.

A low groan came from the bed, where James was stirring awake. Niki’s eyes hardened and narrowed as he put on his best glare.

When James saw Niki, his first reaction was to close his eyes and open it again, repeating the gesture a few times before letting out a defeated growl.

“You’re still here? It wasn’t a dream?” He covered his hands and sat up, leaning against the wall.

Niki felt like punching him, but instead he stood up and crossed his arms, standing condescendingly above James. “Yes, I’m still here you ungrateful asshole.” He tried to constrain his anger, “if I wasn’t, you would have chocked on your own sick in your sleep.”

James smiled a little at that, which made Niki’s eyes narrow even more. “Don’t suppose you undressed me as well?”

The old James Hunt was back, Niki thought with dismay. “Next time, I’ll leave you dying in the hallway.” He spit grudgingly before turning away from James.

"Aw, come on, Niki! I was joking!” James started to get up, “And I wasn’t dying. You’re exaggerating it.”

Niki stared at the man in disbelief. Does he have any idea how… _messed up_ …he was last night? Apart from throwing up every half an hour, his fever had gone far too high and his skin had even turned yellow at one point; Niki had seriously thought about calling the ambulance. James was tougher than anyone he knew, but last night Niki was genuinely scared for the man’s life, even though he would never admit that.

“You should stop abusing your body so much, or one day you’ll really end up at the hospital, dead.” Niki finishes the sentence there, not allowing himself to let slip how much he needed James on the tracks.

James flashed him a smile again, that familiar, carefree gesture which told him he wasn’t taking Niki’s words seriously. Niki wanted to slap some sense into him, but saw no point to it. He just wished James would stop wasting his life away.

“You worried about me, Niki?” He slipped out of bed, and Niki couldn’t help but look at his bare torso. He convinced himself that it was just the anger and the hormones, and that he did not find it attractive in any way.

Luckily, James didn’t notice it. His face became a little serious as he grabbed a shirt from the wardrobe and put it on hastily.

“So I guess you’re really staying here then.” He eyed Niki with wary eyes.

Niki swallowed, not allowing James to pick up any weakness when he spoke. “Not out of choice. I’m not happy about this either, but we just have to deal with it.”

James nodded, a surprisingly opposite behaviour to how he had reacted last night, Niki noted. Something very brief flashed across James’s face, was it panic? Nervousness? Niki couldn’t be sure before it was replaced by his usual playful exterior.

A knock sounded at the door and James went to open it, giving Niki a chance to sit in the chair. Closing his eyes, he felt the tiredness wash over him. He was absolutely exhausted, and the thought of sharing a house with the bastard that was James Hunt made him question how he was going to keep his sanity and career in check.

A moment later he heard James in the room.

“Me and the girls are heading to the city. Key’s in the living room. Oh and clean up your stuff out there, will you?” He flashed Niki a mischievious grin before leaving the room.

“Fuck you!” Niki stormed out of his chair and into the hall, reaching his snapping point as he saw James and the two brunettes  disappearing down the stairs.

“Oi! Asshole!” James didn’t look back, his laughter could be heard all the way down to the bottom, and so could Niki’s loud bilingual swearing, which are probably reasons why they ended up spending the rest of the morning apologising in their landlady’s office.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe I had said something that was wrong.  
> Can I make it better with the lights turned on?  
> \-----"Shelter" by Birdy-----

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update! Yay! Slightly longer than the last one and more angst involved (wasn't even planning on it until later chapters but for some reason this chapter turned out to be quite angsty), the plot also starts to move! Just as a warning, it will turn pretty dark later on, so I may have to add more warnings nearer the time...
> 
> In the meantime, hope you enjoy this new chapter :) and as always, feedback most appreciated!

“That’s why you should have just stayed inside!” James exclaimed, throwing his arms up to emphasis just how annoyed he was with Niki. “None of it would have happened if you had just _watched your mouth_.”

Niki was sitting on the sofa, his arms crossed as he stared ever so calmly up at James. “Don’t fucking tell me what to do. I’m not one of your whores you can boss around.”

James kicked the coffee table in frustration, and the half-filled glass toppled off gracelessly onto the wooden floor, followed by a loud shatter. Both men looked down at the shards silently, with James looking like he marginally regretted his action.

Without saying another word, Niki stood up and headed into the bedroom.

“Where are you going?” James chased after him, carefully avoiding the shards. “Aren’t you going to help me clean up?”

Niki turned sharply to face him, and James could tell by the way his breathing changed that a thunderstorm was coming. Niki looked scary, his eyes looked almost black from where James was standing, and smoke might as well be coming out of his ears.

“I had just spent the last two hours listening to your landlady screaming, and the four hours before that cleaning up your vomit, so if you don’t mind, you fucking idiot, I’m going to sleep.” Niki threw him a cold look before heading into the bedroom. _James’s_ bedroom.

“Um, where exactly are you going?” James pointed out rather awkwardly, scratching the back of his neck as a nervous habit. “That’s _my_ bedroom.”

Niki sighed, turning to face him again. “Yes I know that’s your bedroom. I’ve not slept properly since two days ago, asshole, I’m going to sleep in a proper bed.”

James could tell the weariness in Niki’s voice; he’s grumpy when he’s tired, and James had never seen Niki as moody as he has been today, which must meant he really was exhausted. James had to admit he felt a little bit guilty for being the reason, even though he didn’t remember most of what happened last night.

“Rest well!” James said in a tone that was too cheerful even for him, and Niki glared at him with suspicion. He flashed him an innocent smile, shrugging lightly. Niki grumbled something that sounded German before heading into the bedroom, slamming the door shut. Moments later James heard the rustling sound of clothes, and tried really hard not to let the images of Niki undressing surface in that sick head of his.

Reaching for a cigarette in his pocket, he breathed in the intoxicating gas, letting it numb the circuits in his brain. It distracted him for a while, but the sound of Niki’s low snoring a while later was bringing new kinds of thoughts into his imagination. There was a little panic in his chest as James realised how deeply disturbing they were, and that he really shouldn’t be having these thoughts about someone he doesn’t even like!

Pacing in the lounge didn’t seem like a good idea anymore, as even the smoke filled air was no longer sufficient in keeping his thoughts suppressed. Maybe some fresh air will help. He needed to find those Mexican girls from last night anyway.

Now that was a plan James Hunt approved of. This is what he should be doing! Go to a bar, get into a few fights, bring the girls to a hotel room and have his way with them until he passed out from exhaustion. He certainly should not be in his apartment having inappropriate thoughts about his fellow racer, his rival, and now his roommate.

Having decided that, he grabbed his jacket and headed for the door, only to come back moments later to clean up the mess in the living room. Feeling rather satisfied with himself, he threw one glance towards his closed bedroom before leaving for the second time.

 

 

* * *

 

James Hunt had gotten into many fights in his lifetime, more than he can count really, and there are enough scars on his body to mistake him for a boxer. Most of the times they are injuries obtained from racing accidents when he’d accidentally skidded off the tracks, but a fair share of them were caused by other people. He was most proud of the one running down his back, when he was pushed into a construction building and almost buried by the iron pipes. His spine had been fractured; everyone thought he was going to die, even the doctors decided it would take a miracle for him to walk again. Well, James had gone against all odds and started moving again within two weeks, and he was back in the pits within four.

So it really wasn’t the worst this time. James thought as he lay in the hospital bed. If he was dying of anything right now it’d be of boredom. Out of his good eye he could see the nurses frantically running tests on his body; he wanted to tell them to chill and have a chat with him instead, but his throat was still painfully swollen and he couldn’t exactly feel his face.

It had to be bad luck. James had no intention of fighting anyone recently, but he just had to bump into one of those Mexican girls’ boyfriend, who was apparently also the one that poisoned him last night. James couldn’t exactly sit still after finding that out, so he _may_ have hit him a few times. He didn’t know the guy belonged to some sort of a gang! Five against one was really low in his opinion.

Someone was shining a bloody light in his face; he swatted it away, grimacing as a pain ran down his head. He could still taste the blood in his mouth, and wondered what shape he’d have been in if the local kids hadn’t called the police.

A nurse was bandaging his head now, and he grinned widely at her, a smirk playing on his lips. She rolled her eyes and continued with her job, doing her best to ignore his advances. He pouted a little, followed by a wince as her finger brushed along the cut on the side of his head.

“Sorry,” She said in a small voice, wrapping the white band around his head several times before tying it together. When she pulled back James looked at her properly: she was young, barely past her twenties, with golden curls falling loosely next to her ears and most of her hair was tied back neatly into a bun. He smiled at her again, gesturing for her to come closer. She appeared lost for a second, and James thought amusingly to himself how she looked like a frightened little animal.

When she was close enough for him to whisper without anyone else hearing, he asked for her out for a drink in the traditional James Hunt’s way, with his best seductive voice. Her face reddened instantly as she pulled back. James chuckled at her reaction but before he could ask for her name they were interrupted, quite rudely, by someone rushing into the emergency room.

Niki stood panting at the foot of the bed, looking down at James with such an expression that made James wonder if someone had died.

“What is _wrong with you_!” He breathed the words in anger as he approached James’s bed. His hair was still a little messy and James guessed he must have just woken up.

He grinned cheerfully, “Well, a number of things actually–”

“You’re insane!”

James scoffed, “We race for a living, Niki. It’s not exactly the sanest job out there, so of course I am. We all are.”

Niki shook his head in disbelief as he dismissed the nurse before James could ask her for that drink later. Sighing in disappointment, he turned back to Niki, annoyed.

“Hey! We were having a serious conversation before you rudely interrupted.”

Niki ignored him as he quickly scanned over James’s face, eyes resting on the top of his head where the damage was probably the worst.

“Not a pretty sight?” James offered, a playful smile still lingering on his lips despite the pain. “You know, I wouldn’t be here if the world could just be fair to me for one day.”

“When are you going to stop fighting?” Niki hissed, eyes hardening. “When you are dead?”

The smile disappeared from James; “That fucker spiked my drink! He’s the reason why you were up all night last night! I think I had a perfectly legitimate reason to at least hit him a _few times_! What would you have done? Left him alone?”

“I would not have associated myself with people like him in the first place!” Niki countered, the temperature in the room rising exponentially.

“What, and lead a dull and pointless life like you do?” James didn’t mean for it to come out so viciously, and it was too late to take back the words. He hadn’t meant it that way; he honestly respected Niki’s way of living most of the times. Maybe it was his headache; it seemed to make him really sulky.

Niki glared at him, and a hint of hurt flashed across his face briefly. James instantly regretted his words. It wasn’t as if this is the first time he had insulted Niki, he had done that plenty of times in the past, and more malicious as well. But he hadn’t meant any of it. James had always known he had the tendency to lash out at people.

“Niki, I’m s–”

“Shut up.” Niki had already turned away. “Next time I get a call from the hospital, I will not bother. Waste your life if you want, _asshole_. But don’t waste mine.”

James stared at Niki’s back until he disappeared around the corner, convincing himself that the tightness in his chest was not because of guilt, and that he was in no way disheartened by Niki’s remarks. He didn’t even realise his hands were folded into fists until they started to ache, and James let out a shallow breath, shaking his head as he glared down at his body. Niki had come to see if he was alright, he had even gone out of his way to take care of James last night when he had passed out, but James hadn’t said a word of gratitude for all that he did, instead he’d lashed out and attacked Niki for his own weaknesses. Just because his life was all fucked up, he had no reason to take it out on anyone else.

Sometimes, James hated himself more than the rest of the world combined.

 

* * *

  

_25th January, 1976_

James sat quite comfortably in front of the cameras, he had always enjoyed the attention of the paparazzi despite their sometimes insensitive and bold questions.

“So James, why did you start racing?” One asked, pointing a camera in his face.

James smiled into the device, “Well, because I was too lazy to work.” The room laughed, James always knew he had a gift with people, to make them laugh and relax the atmosphere. It was one of the reasons why they liked him so much.

“Do you have any ambition outside racing?” It was a woman this time, smiling suggestively at him.

James wasn’t going to fall for that trap. After the news of his split from Suzy, they were desperate to tie him with another woman so they can squeeze the juice out of the story.

“Well, my main ambition right now, within or outside of racing, is to win the Formula 1 world championship.” Another wave of laughter ran through the room.

He saw Niki in his peripheral vision sitting two seats away from him, and his smile dimmed only a little. They had not really talked since James had been discharged from the hospital, which had been two weeks already. The air was even more awkward when they were both together in the house. James had offered up his bed as some sort of compensation for his harsh words, but Niki had taken the couch instead, which probably wasn’t such a good idea as James had a habit of coming back really late during the night.

Niki had not spoken to him properly at all, and he was beginning to get tired of this ‘silent treatment’ thing. James almost wished that Niki would punch him and get it out of his system, before it drives him mad.

“Seriously though, James, why did you decide to risk your life for racing?”

James stared at the first reporter, contemplating his question. “If you don’t risk anything in life, then you risk losing everything.” He said slowly, careful not to reveal too much information. “It’s not about life or death. It’s a competition, and at the end of it there is going to be a winner, and a loser. That’s all. Thank you.”

He pushed his chair back as he stood up, signalling an end to this conference. A few other racers from McLaren accompanied James as he walked down the stairs, but James slowed down purposely and waited until he saw Niki heading down.

“Hey! Niki!” He called as Niki purposely dismissed him and carried on walking. “Wait!” He placed a hand on Niki’s shoulder and moved in front of him.

“What?” He snapped shortly.

“Come on, Niki. How many times do I have to apologise? I swear to God I didn’t mean it in a bad way–”

“Was that all? I have to go get ready.” Niki walked past him, hurrying towards his team. James sighed and shook his head, feeling the irritation build up.

“See you out there in the field!” He called after him, but Niki simply waved impatiently without even turning around in acknowledgement. James scoffed bitterly where he stood, thinking that one of these days he’ll be driven to madness by that infuriating Ferrari driver, and then Niki would easily be able to take the championship title.

 

* * *

 

Everything was going perfect for James until a sticking throttle made him lose control of his vehicle and he veered gracelessly off the tracks. Swearing as he got out of the car, he removed his helmet and smashed it to the ground, utterly disappointed with himself. He watched as Niki’s Ferrari raced ahead and disappeared around the bend, bitterness gnawing at his insides. He had wanted to prove to Niki that he was more than just a playboy and a magnet for bodily damage, but it seems he’d have to wait until March before he’d have another chance. He silently cursed this Brazilian land before ashamedly leaving the pits.

He wasn’t remotely surprised to hear that Niki had won the race. He couldn’t help but wonder who the winner might be if he hadn’t pulled out. Damn. He wanted to show Niki that he could race just as well as him!

James wasn’t one to miss a party, but instead of going to the celebration drinks that night with the rest of his friends, he booked the plane ticket and flew back to London quietly. It’s not that he was a sore loser, but he didn’t want to encounter Niki afterwards, his pride wouldn’t have been able to endure the blow.

It was already night time when he got back to his apartment three days later after spending a few nights with a BA attendant. To his surprise, he found Niki standing in the living room, holding up the phone.

“He’s back. Yes.” He hanged up the phone before facing James, giving him a look that was a mixture of anger and concern.

“Where the hell have you been?” Niki’s accent seemed to get thicker when he’s angry, James noted. “They said you flew back already, but no one has heard from you in three days!”

James raised his hands as if that could calm Niki’s rising temper. “I was just getting some distraction. Relax, Niki.” He started heading towards his bedroom but Niki beat him to it, stopping him before the door.

“Distraction? You have no one to blame but yourself for losing the race, James. If you are that bothered, then beat me in the next one!”

“I will!” James said defensively, feeling the protective shields materialising around his wounded self-esteem. “I don’t know what your problem is! You can’t still be mad that I insulted your life style! Do you know how many times I’ve apologised for that?”

Niki moved a few steps closer, even though being a couple of inches shorter, he seemed to have an air of authority over James. “You think the reason I’m angry is because of a few words that you said?” He shook his head, “You don’t get it, do you? 20% risk. No more. In racing or in life. But you don’t consider the risks in anything that you do. Your drinking and smoking habits and those fights are going to kill you one day, and you have no self-restraint or control out there in the field!”

James took a step forward until they were close enough to feel the anger vibrating off each other. He easily had the advantage of height over Niki, and what Niki had just said brought back a memory he never wanted to revisit.

_Do you know why you are being punished, James? You have been a very bad boy, and I am here to teach you a lesson on self-restraint and control. Do you know what that means? It means I am going to punish you now, James, and I want you to restrain your emotions. You will not plead with me nor cry during your punishment. That is the only way you will learn._

James could feel his body shaking at the memory, it was only a physiological reaction; James had long since learned how to mask his real feelings.

“If you have everything in control,” He said in a dangerously low tone, “then you’ve already ruined everything racing stands for. I race because I saw freedom.” His voice broke and he could feel that same panic arising in his chest as the ones he felt many years ago as a child. He suddenly had the urge to tell Niki everything, but stops himself. Niki can never know; if he did he would never look at James the same way again, and James did not want Niki’s opinion of him to be lowered even more than it already has.

The frown on Niki’s face told James that he did not understand the cryptic message. James suddenly felt exhausted; he was still trying hard to suppress the growing level of fear and distress, even the knowledge that they happened more than a decade ago did not seem to ease him.

“Night, Niki.” He said in a small whisper. It wasn’t playful like his usual tone, or serious like when he got annoyed. Instead, he just sounded very tired. Without waiting for a reply, James brushed past him, closing his bedroom door before leaning against the frame, shivering as he let out a long and shaky breath.

It was a long time before he heard Niki’s retreating footsteps.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And I don't want the world to see me  
> 'Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
> When everything's made to be broken  
> I just want you to know who I am 
> 
> \------Iris by Goo Goo Dolls------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is heading into a whole new direction I never really planned on :/ and it's turning out to be quite dark...still feeling a bit iffy about this chapter but didn't really know what to do with it, so I just threw in some pointless fluff and an unhealthy dose of angst for you guys to enjoy :P

It was James’s turn to make dinner, and he was rather proud that he had only set off the fire alarm once. Niki came in a moment later, eyeing the plates suspiciously before grabbing himself a drink from the fridge.

“I thought you didn’t drink.” James commented, gesturing towards the beer can in Niki’s hand.

Niki rolled his eyes, popping the tin open. “I’m not a fucking robot.”

James raised his eyebrows at the swearing; he didn’t know why Niki swore as much as he does, maybe it’s just around him. “You should come and join us one night, it’ll be fun!”

“With you and your whores?” Niki gulped down his drink, and James couldn’t help but stare at the way his Adam’s apple bobbed. “No thanks, I’d rather sleep.”

James shook his head lightly, sighing as he took the plates to the dining table. “You know, that’s why you don’t have any friends. Come and be sociable with us! You’ll have a great time!”

“I have plenty of friends,” He said rather defensively, “and I _am_ sociable, just not with you.”

Ouch. James winced internally as he settled the plates of pasta down.

“You’re not still fighting with Marlene, are you?”

Niki gave him a cold look. “I fail to see how that concerns you. Mind your own business.”

“What are you guys fighting over anyway? Can’t you just kiss it better?” He grinned, shoving the pasta into his mouth. He grimaced at the taste, eyes settling uneasily on Niki’s face. Realising it had changed into a twisted expression James put on his best apologetic face.

“I’m sure it’s not that bad.” As if to prove his point, he went for another forkful, only to nearly spit it out again.

“Not bad?” Niki’s voice raised slightly, and James prepared himself for a long and painfully boring lecture on how to cook properly. “The pasta is not cooked, the sauce is too strong, and is that foil paper–”

“Alright, alright,” James pushed his plate back, standing up. “I get it. We’ve been living together for over a month now, you know I can’t cook.” Heading into the kitchen, he dumped the food into the bin and took out a flier from one of the draws.

“Get your coat,” James said as he went to grab his. “I’ve got a great place in mind, I hear they do the best curry–”

“We’re going out together?” The way Niki phrased that question made James feel a little uneasy, but he brushed it off and hid it with one of his goofy smiles.

“Unless you want to starve?” James didn’t think so, as Niki had already stood up and went to get his coat, albeit grudgingly.

The restaurant certainly looked posh enough for its reputation, James noted as they were invited inside towards a quiet table at the back. He also couldn’t help but notice the amount of couples amidst the customers, then realising with a slight horror that Valentine’s day was just around the corner. He had not spent it alone since he left school, and for a moment he seemed to panic before his eyes found his next target.

He flashed a wide smile at her as she approached their table, and continued to look at her with shining eyes until she took down their orders and left for the kitchen. When his eyes snapped back to his companion sitting on the opposite side, he found Niki staring at him with disapproval.

“What?” James said innocently, “She’s a sweetheart.”

Niki scoffed, “Would you stop hitting on people for just one minute?” He accused, crossing his arms.

James’s smile widened as he leaned forward, until he was close enough to whisper without the others hearing. “Are you jealous? I could try it on you–” James never got to finish his sentence, as he suddenly yelped in pain and shot back to his seat, rubbing his bruised shin as he gave Niki an angry glare.

“You kicked me!” James exclaimed in shock and amusement, as he continued to rub the spot where Niki’s boots had mercilessly beaten seconds before.

Niki didn’t seem to regret his action at all. “Stop acting like a fucking idiot. I’m not one your girls you can play around with.”

“But…you kicked me!” James pouted, hurt playing on his features. Niki ignored him and took another sip from his glass of water. Luckily the waitress came back quickly before another war broke out, and James’s stomach began to growl at the sight of his food. He gave the girl a little wink as he wrote down his number on the napkin before ripping it out and slipped it into her pocket, not even caring about the judgmental look Niki was currently throwing in his direction.

He could practically inhale the food, realising that he had not eaten properly for a long time. Most days his meals consisted of either pizza or toasts.

Niki wrinkled his nose at the sight of James wolfing down his dinner, but James was too hungry to give a damn. He was half way through his meal when he looked up, catching a figure standing in the doorway, talking to the waitress that had just served them in a friendly manner.

His body froze at the sight, his blood circulations felt cut off and his mind blanked. There was a moment when he just sat there, shell-shocked and terrified, before his other persona surfaced and brought back a little sanity in him. Feeling the familiar panic building up, he dropped his fork, stood up and went over to Niki’s side, glad to have his back against the entrance.

“Niki,” His voice came out in a whisper. He tried to grab Niki’s arm for support but hesitated; he didn’t want Niki to notice the way his fingers were trembling. “Let’s go.”

Niki frowned, “You haven’t finished your food, and we haven’t paid.”

Behind him, James could hear _that man’s_ laughter, the sound he had become so accustomed to in the past and it _hurts_. God it _hurts so much_. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to block out the sounds, but it just seemed to get louder and louder.

“ _Please_ , Niki. We need to leave. _Now_.” James hated begging, especially when the other person is _Niki_. But right now his pride wasn’t first priority. He had to get out of here, before he lost all control and relapsed again.

He could see the confusion on Niki’s face, but for once in his life, James didn’t want to argue with him. He hoped Niki could see the desperation and fright in his eyes, it didn’t even matter to him that he was revealing his weaknesses. Anything was better than being here right now, with _him_ , just metres away behind.

He didn’t know what made Niki change his mind, maybe he felt sorry for James? It would destroy James’s pride completely if that was the case, and he didn’t want anyone’s pity, certainly not Niki’s.

Without saying another word, Niki placed enough money on the table and stood up. James took a deep breath, lowering his head as he grabbed onto Niki’s arm and led him quickly towards the exit. They would inevitably pass by _him_ , James realised, but luckily he had Niki on the other side, acting like a protective shield between James’s sanity and the darkness that took on the form of a man.

James held his breath as they passed each other; he was certain he would have collapsed if it wasn’t for his death grip on Niki. It would definitely leave a bruise in the morning, but James was grateful to Niki for not slapping his hand away.

As soon as they reached outside, Niki ripped his arm away sharply, eyes narrowing at James as if contemplating whether he should just murder him now or hear his explanations first.

“What the hell was that about?” Niki hissed, his breath fogging up the air in front of his face.

James couldn’t speak at first. The fear was still too raw, and he didn’t know if it was going to come out as a meaningful explanation or an incoherent sob. Pushing past Niki, he headed towards an alleyway, feeling the knots growing in his stomach. Placing a hand against the cold wall for support, he bent down and began to throw up violently.

It seemed to last forever, but the retching and gagging finally stopped after a few minutes. He could hear Niki anxiously shuffling next to him, occasionally placing an uncertain, almost tentative hand on his back. He wanted to smack it away; ashamed that he lost it in front of Niki, and angry at him for his silent pities.

A weak and cold laugh escaped James as he lifted his head, sacking against the stone wall. He couldn’t bear to look at Niki right now, not after losing every ounce of dignity he had in front of his rival, who probably thinks even less of him now than before. James had no intention of turning into anyone’s laughing stock.

Neither of them spoke for a long time. James closed his eyes, feeling the fear slowly weakening as he stabilised. When he felt like he could walk again, he straightened, still unable to look at Niki.

“I’m done. Let’s go.” James said in a hoarse whisper, trying his best to recover a little pride to his stance. Without waiting for a reply, as he wasn’t sure if he could handle Niki’s words right now, he walked straight past, never looking behind to check if Niki was following or not.

They made the journey back to their house in silence. There were a few times when he was sure Niki was going to speak, but he never said anything. Better this way, James thought. If Niki wanted to laugh at him, then let him do that in his own head.

They were making the final part of their journey up the stairs when the dreaded question finally came.

“Are you alright?” Niki asked carefully, and although nothing in his voice suggested it, James knew he was being pitied. He hated it. Hated Niki for being there. Hated _him_ for showing up after all these years. Hated himself most of all.

Without replying, he escaped into his bedroom and slammed the door shut. The room was dark and he didn’t bother to turn the light on, or to undress, and fell straight into his bed, burying his head into the pillows as if that could also bury the past. It didn’t seem to work, as the memories were shaper than ever and hit him with more force than he was prepared to deal with. Despite his best attempt at muffling up the little sounds that escaped his throat, he was certain that they were still audible.

After a long and exhausting time spilling his emotions into the sheets, James decided what he was doing was cowardice and weak. Using his reserved energy, he dragged himself off the bed and headed towards the bathroom in his en-suite.

He adjusted the temperature until it was icy cold before stepping in. The water felt like sharp blades slicing down his back; he inhaled sharply, gritting his teeth as he endured the waves of shivers running through his body. Closing his eyes, he tried to shift his thoughts to something other than those childhood nightmares, tried to numb them with the freezing water, but it didn’t work. As much as he wanted to believe the past didn’t exist, the ugly truth always comes out whenever he looks at himself in the mirror.

He ran a finger down the side of his ribs, where a patch of old scars brought a heap of emotions for him to choke on. Suddenly feeling sick again, he turned the water off and dried himself with a towel, letting the coldness momentarily distract him.

James did not expect to find Niki waiting in his room when he walked out of the shower. The room was dark, and he could just about make out Niki’s outline standing somewhat hesitantly by the side of the bed.

Swallowing the thick emotions back, he ignored Niki’s presence and went over to the wardrobe, grabbing out a shirt and pyjama bottom. Realising Niki was still behind him, he turned on his heels and glared at the other man in the dark.

“Aren’t you going to leave?” He held up the clothes in his hand, “I’m going to get changed.”

“It’s not the first time I’ve seen you without clothes on.” Niki said in a matter-of-fact way, making James question whether Niki was just being bold, or outright insane.

“What the hell do you want?” There was a sense of desperation in James’s voice; he wished Niki would just leave him alone. “If you’ve come here to gloat–”

“What happened tonight?” Niki asked calmly, his brown eyes visible even in the dark, and as James caught sight of them, he couldn’t exactly look away.

“It’s none of your business.” James stated emotionlessly; he shivered involuntarily as the cold air touched his skin. He really needed Niki to leave so he could get changed and have a few smoke.

“I’m–”

“I don’t want your pity, Lauda.” James hissed angrily, his fists tightened by his side.

“–worried about you.”

The way Niki had said that made James wish he was being pitied instead. He almost scoffed at the word. _Worried_. James wasn’t sure how long it’s been since someone had showed genuine concern for his well-being. He’s lived his life without getting close to anyone, in fear of being hurt again, but also because he was scared of himself, and what he might do to those he was close to. The hate and the darkness that had built up inside him over the years had been well suppressed most of the time, but the greater the inhibition, the worse he knows he’ll snap.

He could almost feel the thin rope keeping him sane struggle under the pressure. He didn’t want Niki to be here when it breaks.

“You should go.” James approached Niki until he backed him against the wall. “Before I do something I’ll regret.”

Niki stared up at him with defiant eyes. “Is that supposed to scare me? You’ll have to do better than that, Hunt.”

James gritted his teeth in annoyance. He knew how stubborn Niki was, but for once James wished Niki would just listen to him. He moved closer, until he could feel the friction of heat between them. Niki looked up at him without relenting to James’s air of superiority, and when James lowered his head, so that his face was right in front of Niki’s, and moved forward–

He suddenly jumped back in surprise, clutching his stomach as he stared at Niki with bewilderment.

“What…was that for?” He gasped, rubbing his ribs. Niki had hit him again, twice in one night!

“For being an asshole.” Niki said calmly, eyes daring James to challenge him. “Don’t treat me like one of your bitches, or it won’t be your ribs the next time.”

James gave Niki a look of pure horror, before breaking out into laughter. He didn’t know what he found so funny, his ribs were still sore, but the expression and seriousness on Niki’s face was so amusing James couldn’t stop himself. He continued to bend over, both in pain and uncontrollable laughter, and seemed to stay there for over a minute before he straightened up, smiling widely.

“Sorry,” He waved a hand in the air as a form of apology, before another snicker escaped from his lips. “Sorry.” He quickly shut his mouth as he saw the daggers Niki were currently throwing in his direction.

He felt surprisingly refreshed after that, James realised. The fear was still there, but it was more manageable now.

“Thanks, Niki.” James said, giving Niki a real smile, not just the one he put on for the world. It seemed to startle Niki for a second, but he quickly covered that up with a scowl.

“I’m glad you found it funny.” Niki said dryly, “If you are done being stupid, get changed before you catch a cold.”

James’s grin stretched even wider, “Yes, mother.” He said with a glint in his eyes before heading towards the bathroom. Behind him he heard Niki mumble something in German, but for once, he didn’t care if he was being insulted.

Once he got changed into a comfortable set of clothes, he was a little disappointed to find his room empty. Whether he admitted it or not, he actually liked Niki’s company. He was probably the only person in the world who James liked enough to live together for over a month. Even though he hadn’t voluntarily invited Niki into his house, he hasn’t kicked him out either. And that’s saying something.

He found the living room dimly lit as he walked out, and spotted Niki in the kitchen, stirring something in a cup. He looked up as he heard James approach, and walked towards James with a mug in hand, shoving it towards him.

“Coffee. Extra strong.” Niki said when he saw the confusion on James’s face. “Just this once, Hunt. I’m not coddling you every time you have a mental breakdown.”

“I did _not_ have a mental breakdown!” James protested despite beaming idiotically. “When did you start being nice to me? It wasn’t that long ago when you called me an impulsive, inconsiderate asshole, you know.” 

“You still are.” Niki said apathetically as he went to sit on the sofa. “This is a one off. Enjoy it while you can.”

James decided to take that offer before Niki changed his mind. He slumped down on the sofa, taking a sip from his mug and felt the bitter taste of caffeine travel down his throat, frowning a little at the taste.

“How much coffee did you put in?” James asked suspiciously, the taste still lingering in his mouth.

Niki threw him a displeased look, “Not enough to kill you.”

James’s smile turned into a grimace, not entirely sure if Niki was being serious or not. He could never tell with Niki, who seems to make the coldest jokes sometimes.

“Tell me why you started racing.” Niki said suddenly, head slightly inclined to the side as he gave James one of his indecipherable looks. “You can’t have been that lazy.”

James frowned for a few seconds, surprised by the question, before a sly smile appeared on his face.

“And if I told you that’s all there is to it?”

“Then I would be very disappointed.”

James had to smile a little at that; they’ve known each other for a few years but already he feels as if Niki can see right through him sometimes. It also scared him, especially when there were things in there that nobody was meant to see.

“Adrenaline.” He said simply, “And the attention too, I guess.” When he saw Niki’s raised eyebrows, he knew it wasn’t enough to answer his question.

“Silverstone. That was the first race I ever saw. It was just after I passed my driving test, and that was the moment when I felt truly alive.” James laughed quietly, looking down at the floor between his legs. “Once you’ve raced, you never forget that feeling. Surely you know that.”

Niki was still looking at him with unreadable eyes, and James found that he hated it. He wanted, _needed_ , to know what Niki was thinking; it was driving him mad.

“I’ve tried everything but nothing is quite as exhilarating as racing a car. You know, if I never took up racing, I’d probably be rotting in jail right now. It’d have given me the same attention and adrenaline rush that I always craved.” James voice had turned cynical and almost self-deprecating towards the end. He looked up and found Niki silently studying him. Feeling self-conscious all of a sudden, he put on a wide grin, his best defence, and hoped Niki wouldn’t pick up on the emotions boiling underneath the mask.

“If you keep up your habits, one day you’ll really be in prison. And where will that leave me?” Niki said indifferently, but James could almost feel the careful consideration Niki had put into his wording.

“You can’t live without me?” James teased, “Aw, that’s so–”

“I swear to God if the next word that comes out of your mouth is nice, or sweet or anything like that–”

“Alright! I’m shutting up.” James continued to beam like a retard, earning a half-disgusted look from Niki. They sat there for a while in comfortable silence, until James, being James, couldn’t stop his curiosity from getting the better of him.

“What were you going to say? About the threat?”

A slow, calculating smile appeared on Niki’s face, as he leaned in closer and whispered something in James’s ear.

As the saying goes: curiosity killed the cat.

James sincerely hoped he didn’t hear exactly what Niki was going to do with him. Gulping down his horrors, he was whole-heartedly thankful that he didn’t manage to finish his sentence.

“Now get out of here. It’s bloody midnight and I want to sleep.”

James couldn’t help but smile at Niki’s crankiness; he had somehow grown accustomed to this new routine. Niki’s influence on him was even better and long lasting than any of his New Year resolutions. He headed towards the bedroom, stopping almost too eagerly as he heard Niki call his name.

“James.” There was hesitation in Niki’s voice, and James stood by the doorway, waiting almost nervously.

“I’m glad you are racing.”

It wasn’t much of a surprise that when James woke up the next morning, he still had the same lopsided smile engraved onto his face.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I messed up  
> Better I should know  
> So don't come round here  
> And tell me I told you so
> 
> \---Fallen by Sarach McLachlen---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Been editing this for ages now and still not that happy with it...anyway, let's see how it goes.
> 
> Angst overdose! And Marlene! Who doesn't love a bit of Marlene now and then? :P

Marlene was the last woman James expected to meet on Valentine’s day. Not that she wasn’t beautiful, just the opposite; and feisty when she wants to be, but also unavailable. That was a line James was not going to cross.

She gave him a nod and a faint smile as he caught her eyes in the corner of the café. He returned the gesture and took a seat across, ordering a cup of coffee.

“Marlene,” He acknowledged, “you look as beautiful as always.”

She scoffed lightly, looking down. “Thank you, James.” She took a sip from her mug, her eyes settling uneasily on James.

“Was there a reason you called me out here today?” James inquired, “I assume it’s about Niki?”

There was a slight sadness in her smile, “I know you two are living together.”

James chuckled, “It’s not exactly a secret.”

Marlene laughed a little at that, “How is he?” She sounded tired, and a little resigned.

James considered that for a minute. They haven’t talked about that night since it happened; it’s not like they saw much of each other after that anyway. Niki had a strict schedule. When James woke up in the afternoon, Niki had already done five laps on the race court. And when James was getting ready to sleep, Niki had already begun his next day.

“He’s…good.” James frowned, “Why don’t you talk to him? You two still haven’t made up?”

Marlene looked at him with unreadable eyes, much like the look Niki always gave him. “He’s being stubborn.”

“Of course! What did you expect? He’s _Niki_.” James said light heartedly, “Give him time, he’ll come around. What are you arguing about anyway?”

“It’s…complicated.”

James scoffed. _Women_. The only interaction James has ever had with women, excluding his mother and sisters, was restricted to bed. “So you called me out here today _just_ to ask me how Niki is?”

She hesitated, before leaning back in her chair. “We both have…different views about the future. I want stability, James. I want a family. But Niki, he…”

She sighed, looking down at her hands in her lap. James waited patiently, sipping at his drink before she continued.

“He loves racing. Sometimes I fear too much.” Marlene met his eyes with a little defiance, “He’s not so different from you. The passion he feels and puts into it is almost scary.” As if to emphasis her point, a shiver ran down her body. “I’m scared for him. I’ve tried to support him, to understand him, and I do, James. I _love_ him. But I can’t compete with the one thing he truly loves.”

James was quiet for a moment, looking down at his coffee. “He loves you too, you know.”

Marlene smiled weakly.

“I know. But it’s not enough.”

* * *

 

It was nearly ten o’clock by the time James finished his last circuit. Taking off his helmet as he got out of the car, he saw a familiar figure standing on the sideline, almost invisible in the dark night.

“Niki! What are you doing here?” James called as he jogged towards him, running hand through his hair in an attempt to tame it.

Niki gave him a cold look. “You met with Marlene today.” It wasn't a question.

Ah. James gave him an innocent smile. “I swear that there’s nothing going on between us!” He teased, laughing.

“What did you tell her?” He asked, all serious.

James rolled his eyes, “Nothing. She just wanted to know how you were doing.”

Niki’s lips were pressed into a thin line, his jaw tensing slightly. “I’m fine.”

“Exactly what I told her.” James patted Niki’s shoulder before bypassing him towards the garage. He still had a little bit of time before his appointment with one of the bar maids, but he needed time for a shower and a change of clothes.

“What did she say?” Niki followed him into the room, like the stubborn man that he is. James sighed impatiently,

“Why don’t you ask her yourself? If I’m going to be your messenger, I might as well get paid.” He threw his helmet onto the table and began zipping down his racing wear. “I know it’s not my place to say anything–”

“It’s not.”

“–but I’m going to anyway.” James stepped out of his suit until he was only dressed in a plain white shirt and trousers. “Look, Niki, I’m only saying this because I actually like Marlene. And you too, believe it or not. Don’t make the same mistake I did with Suzy. _Talk_ to her. You need each other.”

James stopped himself before he could betray his emotions. It felt like there was a lump in his throat, chocking back the things he wanted to say but couldn’t. He was startled to find that he actually didn’t want them to make up. It meant that Niki would have to move out, and he found that he really didn’t want that to happen.

But a part of him also needed Niki to leave. Dangerous thought have been creeping into James’s head lately and he wasn’t sure how long he could keep them hidden without going mad. Even right now, looking at him was enough to make James nervous. He needed some space, to confront his own personal demons, and he didn’t want to do it with Niki still around.

“Isn’t it about time you moved out?” James tried to hide the underlying emotions, hide the fact that he liked, even craved Niki’s presence in his life. “You can’t hide there forever. I didn’t take you as a coward.”

Niki studied James silently for a long time, not betraying a single emotion on his blank face. And when he spoke, it was with his usual composure and calmness.

“Fine. If that is what you want.”

James laughed coldly in his head, congratulating himself for finally have kicked Niki out of his flat. There was no sense of victory, or pride, just numbness. He neither confirmed nor denied Niki’s question, and simply made his way to the door, hands resting on the knob hesitantly before looking over at Niki, who was still standing in his spot with his back to James.

“Come on, then. I’ve got a date to go to, and you need to call your girlfriend.” James smiled as Niki turned to him, trying his best not to let the disappointment show on his face. “Don’t look at me like that,” He accused lightly, referring to the grave look Niki currently wore on his face. “I’ll see you back home.”

It was probably the last time he was ever going to say this, but James refused to let it affect him. Why should it after all? Niki was just a rival, maybe a friend at best. James had been so against the idea of Niki staying with him at first, and nothing’s changed. Nothing needed to be changed.

It was better this way. Even James could see that. They both had their own, rightful places they belonged to. Niki’s was with Marlene. James was a fool to doubt that.

* * *

 

James did not arrive home until the next morning, by which point Niki’s presence was no longer there. He sucked in a deep breath before leaning against the door, key still in hand, and stared into the empty lounge. Had it always been so vacant before? It was as if all traces of Niki had been erased, and James had to remind himself that the last six weeks had not been a dream.

He didn’t know how long he stood in the doorway, staring aimlessly into the room, before it finally sunk in. And when it did, James was suddenly at a loss.

What did he do at this time before Niki had arrived in his life? He’d probably still be out partying, or having a hang-over in some crappy hotel room. But now, even those things which had delighted him in the past seemed didn’t seem to interest James anymore. What had Niki done to him?

Feeling frustrated with himself, he headed into the kitchen cupboard and brought out a packet of cigarettes. The smoke momentarily calmed his rising panic, but there was still that sense of void, as if something was missing from his life.

He went to sit on the sofa, and tried to imagine Niki next to him, scolding him about his smoking habits. A weak smile tugged at his lips, before the illusion faded and he was once again alone in his thoughts.

_Fuck_. James leaned back, closing his eyes. He needed the old James Hunt back. The lie he put on for the world to see, so that he could hide behind it like a mask, safe and hidden from sight. Niki had somehow managed to push his way inside his head, without even trying consciously, and glimpsed at the person underneath the shell. James hated it. Hated Niki for weakening his guards.

The telephone rang, breaking James out of his trance like state. Swearing, he got to his feet and answered the call.

“Yeah?” He grumbled into the phone, extinguishing his cigarette.

He stood there for a long time, not even realising that he was holding his breath. When he felt he could breathe again, he let out a shaky sigh, rubbing his eyes tiredly.

“Ok. I’ll be there soon.”

* * *

 

Niki never realised how much he missed Marlene’s cooking until now. He counted himself lucky that he still had a place to go after James had made it clear it was time for him to move out. He was also thankful that Marlene took him in without questions. It seemed as if everything was back to normal now, but for some reason, Niki felt…almost wistful.

“What are you thinking about?” Marlene asked, bringing a plate in front of him before taking a seat.

Niki smiled as he looked at her. “How much I’ve missed your cooking.”

Marlene laughed quietly, “Was it really that bad?”

“Oh, it was terrible!” Niki pulled a face, “You’d think, for all his good looks and talents, the one thing James Hunt can’t do is cook.”

She smiled faintly, looking down at the steak on her plate. “What was it like then, being away?”

Niki placed a chunk of beef in his mouth, appreciating the taste of real food. “God awful! He’s madness in human form! He still acts like a kid, despite being the older one. And did I mention he can’t cook?” He chuckled a bit at the end, but was too busy cutting up the meat to notice the momentary flash of sadness across her face. By the time he looked up, he had already finished most of his plate, and Marlene was looking at him with her usual, gentle eyes.

“Would you like more?” She offered, already standing up.

Niki felt bad as he looked down at her plate, and found that she had hardly eaten anything. “Not hungry?” He asked with concern.

She nodded. “I’m going to do the dishes. Sleep early, you’ve not been resting properly have you?”

Niki laughed, nothing could escape her careful observations after all. “Blame that on James Hunt.” He stood up and placed a soft kiss on her forehead, before heading into the bedroom.

Marlene’s eyes followed him until he closed the door; the plate slipped out of her hand into the washing up bowl, and she leaned against the counter weakly, almost in resignation. She couldn’t help but notice the amount of times James Hunt was integrated into their conversations ever since Niki came back. She also didn’t fail to notice that every time Niki mentioned him, even though it was through an insult, his eyes always brightened with such energy and liveliness that she had not seen in him before. Not even when he was talking to her.

It seemed as if she was wrong when she accused racing as being the most important thing in Niki’s life. It was a little frustrating, she had to admit, to be second best. Despite James’s reassurance that Niki does love her, in his own ways, it wasn’t the kind of love she wanted from him.

Niki hadn’t realised it yet. Call it women’s intuition, or whatever, but Marlene knows, with a frightening amount of certainty, that Niki was never going to be hers the same way that she had given herself to him.

She refused to let the tears fall, and continued to do the dishes pretending that nothing had changed. But cracks were beginning to show, and she wasn’t sure how long it would take for Niki to realise it too.

* * *

 

Niki hated pacing. There was no logic to it, it was simply a way to express anxiety and doubt, two things Niki had expelled from his mind a long time ago. So he couldn’t understand why he was currently pacing in the hallway, rubbing his chin absentmindedly as he waited for news.

He’s been here for hours already, and he could feel the tiredness sink in under his eyes. The hall was cold, and much more noticeable when he was without a coat. A low, frustrated growl escaped his lips as he forced his feet to stop moving and leaned against the wall.

His eyes were closed for only a second or so before the door opened, and a doctor approached with far too much grimness to Niki’s liking.

“How is he?” He asked, his usual calmness betrayed by the raw fear.

The doctor shook his head, lips pressed into a thin line. “We did our best, but there’s still far too much alcohol in his bloodstream. If he had been brought in any later, in his unconscious state, there’s virtually no chance he could have survived.”

Niki swore, loudly, not even caring that he was in public and that there were others around. Of all the stupid, _stupid_ things that James Hunt was capable of–

“His liver is already scarred, and there’s a chance it will never recover.” The doctor continued, all professional, and Niki suddenly had the urge to punch the man. “He needs to stop his drinking habits, or the next time he gets brought in, I fear he might not make it out.”

Niki didn’t realise he was clenching his jaw until he could hear his teeth gritting against each other. The fear that had taken a hold of his emotions for the last few hours was now replaced by anger; pure, feral rage.

“He’s still unconscious, but you can go see him, if you’d like.” The doctor added, giving Niki a look of sympathy.

Niki shook his head, “No.” James Hunt was alive, and that was the only thing he needed to know. Niki was pretty certain that if he saw James right now, he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from strangling that asshole. He thanked the doctor before heading to the door, and was immediately confronted by the icy wind that sliced at his face.

_God damn you, James Hunt_. Niki cursed him over and over again, bilingually. He couldn’t understand the emotions currently boiling inside him; there was no pity, or sympathy or even a little bit of sadness. There was only anger, and underneath that, fear; their shear intensities enough to tear Niki’s logic apart.

* * *

 

It wasn’t the first near death experience James has had in his life. There had been another occasion, many years ago, and it was one that he did not wish to remember.

When he was finally conscious enough to open his eyes and stabilised his vision, he found the one person he did not want to see right now.

“Hell,” He chocked hoarsely, “Not you.”

“Yes. Me.” There was an edge to his voice that James didn’t like; it sounded as if he was…angry. But Niki doesn’t get angry, at least not with James. Sure, he’d always get pretty annoyed with him, but anger was directed at people who deserved his time. And James was pretty sure that he did not deserve Niki’s time.

“What…day is it?” James asked, hesitantly.

There was a pause. “Saturday.”

So it’s been a week. “Why are you here?” He coughed violently, his body almost convulsing under the sheets. He saw Niki standing up in alarm but he waved his IV-free hand, shaking his head.

“I’m…fine.” Niki gave him one of his incredulous looks before sitting down again, glaring sharply at him.

“One week.” He began saying, his voice taking on a dangerous tone. “One bloody week I’m not there, you end up killing yourself.

James laughed weakly, looking at Niki with tired eyes. “Don’t make it sound like you’re so important–”

“What in the world were you thinking?! You could have died! You _did_ nearly die! Is your life so meaningless that–”

“My father...died.” James cut him off, looking up at the ceiling. The room was suddenly uncomfortably silent, and James couldn’t find it in himself to look at Niki. He was sure there would be pity in the other man’s eyes, and maybe sadness, but that wasn’t the reason why James refused to look at Niki. He couldn’t because he was disgusted with himself, because…

“That’s no reason to poison yourself.” Niki stated softly, and even without looking, James knew he was looking at him.

James could have laughed if he wasn’t in a hospital bed, half alive. “Oh, you’re wrong, Niki.” He mustered the courage to look at him in the eyes, “I’m not sad, or mourning. There’s nothing like that…here.” He gestured to his chest in weak motions.

“It’s normal to–”

“That’s just it!” James raised his voice, his breathing fastened and his voice came out in rough pathces. “I’m not in denial, no matter...what you think. I almost felt…happy, relieved, that he’s gone. But there’s...also anger, and frustration.” That I couldn't kill him myself. James chuckled weakly, glad he hadn't said that out loud. “I’m disgusting, aren’t I? What son in the world...would feel happy that his father...is…dead…?”

Niki didn’t reply, and James was grateful for the silence. It was better than answering the question.

When Niki spoke again, it was with his usual amount of arrogance. “The race starts in a week.” He said as he stood up, looking at James with a slight smirk. “If you recover in time, you might just be able to take second place.”

“Fuck you.” James said tiredly, but a smile was already forming. “I’ll beat your ass, with or without my liver, and you know it.”

The corner of Niki’s lips raised slightly higher as he gave James a cryptic look, one that foretold something unfortunate was going to happen to James very soon.

“Oh, and by the way, I moved my things back in.” Niki stood by the foot of the bed, arms crossed. “Someone has to keep you alive. Winning the championship isn’t half as fun without you, Hunt.”

Using his good hand, James gestured his middle finger towards the door where Niki had just walked out of. Sighing, he leaned back in his pillows and closed his eyes, revelling secretly in the thought of having Niki around again.

But even that couldn’t keep the darkness away for long, and as soon as sleep took a hold of him, James found himself once again face to face with the demon that haunted his childhood, and continues to haunt him, even now.

His father was dead. But that didn’t make the nightmare go away.

There was still _him_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...yeah...I have no idea how it turned out so dark towards the end...maybe I'm just in a slightly morbid mood...I blame it on the tiredness though.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If I smile and don't believe  
> Soon I know I'll wake from this dream  
> Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken  
> Hello, I'm the lie living for you so you can hide 
> 
> \------Hello, by Evanescence------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As suggested by Nightbard, I included a scene at the beginning of this chapter that deals with Marlene's thoughts when Niki is called into the hospital and when he decided to move back in with James. 
> 
> Slight delay in updating, but uni's killing me and I just started work, so I can only write during times when I'm supposed to be sleeping. I'll try to update as often as I can, or at least have something up within a week max :D
> 
> Warning: angst, fluff, melo, and a whole lot of nonsense because I'm literally typing this with one eye closed...
> 
> Enjoy! :D

Niki called Marlene from the hospital, his voice stricken with anger and fear. She had never heard so much desperation in a man’s voice before.

“What the fuck was he thinking?” Niki swear loudly, making her flinch. He would never swear in front of her normally. “Does he have no regard for his life at all? That fucking–” “

Niki,” She paced in the living room, as if that could calm the man down. “I’m sure he’ll be fine. He’s James Hunt. He’s always fine.” She wanted to tell him to come home, that it was 2am in the morning and she hated being alone in the house. But the words were lodged in the back of her throat.

She heard his shaky breathing and could almost feel the shivers running through his body. He must be freezing, since he didn’t even have time to grab a coat before he left in the middle of the night.

“Will he?” Niki scoffed mockingly, “There’s more than enough alcohol in his body to kill him! No one’s fucking telling me anything. For all I know he could be dead!”

His last words echoed in the speaker, and Marlene stopped her movements as she slumped down on the bed, burying her head in her hand. Niki sounded afraid. He was always so confident, so brave, always looking on the bright side; but everything she thought she knew about him seemed to disappear when James was concerned.

Marlene had tried to be strong, and she was long past the point of being bitter. It was more of a resigned feeling now. She knew there was a part of Niki that she could never have, and it did hurt, but she was still going to do her best protecting whatever pieces she had of the man she loves.

“He’ll be fine.” She stressed each word softly, “You’ll see. The doctors are doing everything they can.”

For a while she listened to Niki’s breathing, shallow and uneven at first but it gradually relaxed into a calm rhythm.

“What do I do?”

Her heart ached at his words; he sound so lost and broken, and she wasn’t sure if there’s anything she could do.

“Stay there until you hear news.” She tried her best to act as his logic, “After that, come home.”

I need you too. She wanted to say but couldn’t, and hoped the silence could convey her feelings. She ended the call and climbed in to bed, their body temperature still present from earlier, and she enveloped herself in the comforting warmth, hoping that she would not be alone the next time she opened her eyes.

* * *

 

Marlene stood by the bedroom door, silently observing Niki as he packed his bags. She didn’t know what to say, and at the same time there were a thousand things that crossed her mind, none of which she would ever say out loud.

Niki had looked up from the bags and met her eyes, “I’m sorry.” He looked away, as if something in her eyes had stung him. “It’s only temporary. I’m sure you understand.”

She nodded silently, not trusting her voice. Sure, she did understand, she knew that the only thing she could ever do for Niki was to try and understand his every decision, and stand by it. She just didn’t know it would be this hard. A strand of loose hair fell beside her eyes, conveniently shadowing the wetness that threatened to blind her vision.

“I can’t leave him alone.”

He sounded desperate, and she wasn’t sure who he was trying to convince.

She nodded again, biting at her lower lip. It shouldn’t hurt this much; she had anticipated this weeks ago, even months, maybe, but she never gave it much thought until now.

It wasn’t as if Niki was leaving forever. He never said so. But why does it feel like she had lost him already?

“Will you be alright?” He asked, and there was genuine concern in his eyes.

She smiled, although it didn’t quite reach her eyes. “Of course. My friend is coming over to stay for a few days. Don’t worry about me. Take care of James.”

Niki looked at her for a moment longer, the guilt evident on his face. She chuckled as she walked towards him, placing a gentle kiss on his forehead. She traced a finger down his cheek and jaw line, before smiling a little. “Take care of yourself too.” She whispered, trying to ignore the tightness in her chest.

His eye searched hers, before he sighed softly. “I love you.” He said firmly, and she believed him.

“I know.” She said, the sadness almost seeping through in her voice. “Don’t make this into a goodbye, Niki. I’ll still be here when you come back.”

Niki nodded, almost regretfully before heading out of the room, and Marlene couldn’t help but wonder if it was for the last time.

* * *

 

_6th March, 1976_

_South African Grand Prix._

James didn’t know when things had changed. In hindsight, it had probably started a few months ago, when Niki had first come to stay. Or maybe even before that, when they first saw each other in the pits. Over the years they have built up a somewhat fragile relationship, he wouldn’t exactly call it friendship, or rivalry, or anything for that matter. Words weren’t sufficient enough to explain the mixture of emotions he felt whenever the Austrian was around.

He may have held a certain amount of contempt at first, but that was to be expected. An amateur buying his way into the game wasn’t unheard of. No, it was Niki’s precise techniques and racing morals that threatened everything James had lived by which gave him a sudden dislike for the new driver.

It wasn’t until they raced together that James realised just how brilliant Niki was. People have always called James a prodigy, and he never bothered to correct them, and over time he even came to believe that he was unbeatable. Niki’s first win was a blow to his ego, but more than that, it was a wake-up call for James.

People expected them to dislike one another, and their previous rocky relationship was partly due to this social pressure, but on some unconscious level, James respected, even admired Niki.

And now, watching Niki standing on top of the podium was strangely satisfying, despite being one step under. There was still a tinge of bitterness, but that was more directed at himself than Niki. He had never been more determined to win someone in his life; Niki was like the driving force pushing him forward.

The after party was a mess though. Literally. James had never seen Niki so drunk before in his life. He had been so eager, placing bets and taking shots. James didn’t even get a chance to finish his drink before Niki had snatched it away and gulped it down. It was nearly sunrise by the time he dragged Niki back to the hotel, staggering a little on the stairs. By the time they reached James’s room Niki’s full weight became unbearable, and James could barely get him to the couch before they both collapsed.

Niki groaned, mumbling something in German. His arm which had pulled James down was now draped around James’s neck awkwardly. Their closeness rendered James immobile for a few seconds, before he pulled himself free and stood up, huffing in a mixture of annoyance and amusement.

“Jwames Hant,” Niki opened his eyes lazily, mouth curled into a sly smile. “Stop moing you arshloch.”

James had to suppress a laughter; it shouldn’t be this amusing watching Niki wasted on the couch, but it was. “I’m not moving, Niki. If you were going to insult me, at least do it in English.”

Niki frowned, his forehead creasing, and James had to stop himself from thinking how much he wanted to– “Where am I?” Niki mumbled, more coherently, though still slurring at the words. He tried to sit up straighter, eyeing James curiously. “You’re not Marlene.”

Rolling his eyes, James went to help him sit up, “No, I’m not. You’re such a hypocrite.” He shook his head, heading into the kitchen. “You’ve been doing nothing but lecture me on the sins of drinking ever since I got out of the hospital, and now you’re the one downing ten pints in the space of a few hours.”

Putting the kettle on, James stepped back into the lounge, by which point Niki had resulted to banging his head repeatedly on the back of the cushion, looking slightly morbid. “My head hurts.” He whined, closing his eyes. “Make it stop.”

James scoffed, crossing his arms as he leaned against the door frame, taking as much pleasure as he could in watching Niki acting like a five year old. He should really record this for future reference, but decided against it in fear of being murdered in his sleep.

Niki was now looking at James with a goofy smile, “Your face is nice.”

James snorted. He should really record this. Niki would probably murder him, or himself, if he ever found out what he just said.

“Yeah, well, so I’ve been told.” He really shouldn’t take it as a compliment, not when it was Niki, who was also drunk.

“I beat you in the race.” Another stupid smile. James couldn’t help but love them; it wasn’t everyday he saw this side of Niki.

“Yes, yes you did.” James said, without even a hint of annoyance. The championship seemed almost dull in comparison to this. “But I just got out of the hospital. I’ll win you in the next one.”

Niki waved a hand in the air, not as smooth as he would have liked it. “Excuses! We both know I’m the butter driver.”

James sniggered, “Of course you are.” More laughter. “As much as I enjoy watching you like this, it’s getting too weird. So just…I don’t know, sober up soon, alright?” He left for the kitchen again, leaving Niki humming contently by himself.

He came back a few minutes later with a mug of hot tea, but Niki was no longer sitting down. James placed the drink down on the table before heading the bathroom, finding Niki kneeling over the toilet, retching violently.

It felt strangely familiar, James mused to himself. He should be the one throwing up his internal organs right now, not _Niki Lauda_ , the definition of orderliness and logic.

Niki spared him a glance, “Don’t…say a word.” He glared at James before his gag reflex demanded attention. James bent down and patted him gently on the back, feeling a little bad for Niki’s complete loss of dignity, but also dreading the kind of hangover he’s going to wake up to tomorrow. Or later today.

It was for a good half an hour before Niki got most of the alcohol out of his system, by which point he had slumped lifelessly against the marble floor, his hair sticking to his sweaty forehead. Half pulling and half dragging the man, James had somehow managed to settle him into the bed before he collapsed under their weights.

He then allowed himself a moment to wonder about the night when Niki first moved in. It seemed like a nice symmetry, and he wondered if this is how Niki had taken care of him. He glanced down at Niki’s sleeping face, still a little damp from the sweat, and felt a small wave of burning in his stomach.

He didn’t have much energy left to ponder over it, and climbed in next to Niki, switching off the light. It didn’t even bother him that they were sharing the same bed, something both men’s pride would never have allowed, but he was too tired to care.

They would talk in the morning. For now, James allowed himself to sleep and, for once, the dreams left him alone.

* * *

 

The morning didn’t go exactly as planned. James woke up to a pillow in his face, and a very angry Niki standing beside the bed, glaring.

“Good morning to you too.” He muttered, throwing the pillow aside before sitting up.

“What…is this?” Niki gestured broadly, pointing at James, then at the bed, then himself, and back to James. “Why am I in your room?”

James scoffed, shaking his head a little as he pulled out a cigarette from his bedside draw. “You don’t remember?” He lighted it, puffing out a breath. “Well, you must have been really out of it.”

He could tell Niki was trying hard to not to burst into a flame of anger. His shoulders were tensed and his jaw clenched, his chest rising and falling with each angry breath he took. James also noticed the slight frown on Niki’s forehead, and guessed that he must be doing a great job at hiding the hangover.

“You’re a really bad drunk, you know that?” James smirked, blowing a breath of smoke in Niki’s direction, whose face scrunched up in disgust.

“Don’t mention this to anyone. Ever.” Niki said fiercely, finger pointing at James.

“As if anyone would believe me,” he rolled his eyes as he got out of bed, still fully dressed from last night. Glancing up at the clock he saw that it was nearly one in the afternoon, and realised that he was late for his date. Well, his date who he’s only met once, last night. “

I had to pay for the taxi last night, so you own me twenty pounds, or rands, whatever the currency is here.” James said, heading into the bathroom. “Oh, and about what you said last night? I couldn’t agree more.”

“What?” Niki demanded, heading into the bathroom, watching as James brushed his teeth. “What did I say?”

James grinned, spitting a mouthful of toothpaste and mumbled something incoherent, before rinsing his mouth. “I was shocked, Niki! I never thought I’d hear you say something like _that_.”

The look on Niki’s face resembled horror, and it was priceless. “Whatever I…may have said…”

James waved a hand in the air, cutting him off. “No, you’re not allowed to take it back. And don’t pull the drunk card. Haven’t you heard of the saying drunk mind speaks sober hearts?”

“I must have been lying then.” Niki said as calmly as he could. “That’s right, whatever I said, it was a lie.”

James stared at him for a few seconds, and a slow, calculating smile appeared. “Are you sure? It didn’t sound like a lie to me.”

Niki swallowed, looking at James with a firm expression. “I was lying. Don’t believe it.”

James shrugged, smirking a little as he went to grab his jacket, heading towards the door. “Alright, I guess I’m the better driver then.”

Niki followed him to the door, “What?” James looked at him innocently, “You told me you were the better driver last night. Now you’re saying that’s a lie?” He grinned, “Well I never thought the day would come when Niki Lauda admitted that–”

James never got to finish his sentence, as Niki proceeded to push him out of the door, before slamming it in his face.

* * *

 

Niki found James a few hours later, standing behind the track fence, staring blankly into space. He jumped a little as he saw Niki in his peripheral vision, swearing softly. “Don’t do that.” He accused, “At least make some noise when you appear.”

Niki gave him a sour look, leaning against the wires, blatantly ignoring his comment. “What are you doing here?”

James glanced over at the field, where a test car flew past them, leaving behind a trail of dust. Niki couldn’t help but notice the way James’s eyes lit up at the sight.

“I’ve always wondered what we look like, when we’re racing.” James said absent-mindedly, “What are we in the eyes of the audience? Inspiring? Reckless? Role models?”

Niki scoffed, “Certainly not you. I dread to think what the kids will grow up to be like.”

“Funny,” James said dryly, narrowing his eyes at the man. “You know, I actually started racing because of a driver in the first game I ever attended.”

“Oh?” Niki tried not to show genuine interest in the topic, “Don’t tell me, he also got you into drinking and smoking?”

James stared at him in disbelief. “You’re such a pessimistic bastard, you know that? And no, if anything, he was probably more like you.”

He was now looking at Niki with something he couldn’t decipher, and Niki found himself looking away first, casting his eyes back to the tracks, where another car zoomed past.

“He was my friend’s brother, we went to visit him one summer and he let me drive his Mini. I had an instant obsession with racing ever since.” A smile appeared on James’s face, “You have to be in the car, to understand the intensity of driving it. When you’re going at 180mph, it feels like someone is ripping your head off when you turn corners, and when you brake, it feels as if you’re being skinned alive.”

Normal people would probably have flinched at the examples, but coming out of James’s mouth, it sounded as if it was the best feeling in the world.

“I was barely an adult when I first raced.” He continued, eyes searching in the distance as if relieving the memory. “I still remember the first time I heard the engine roar under my feet, and felt the vibrations in every inch of my body. It wasn’t long before I became more daring, speeding faster whenever I got the chance to. And then one day, I suddenly realised I wasn’t driving the car consciously anymore. It was as if something else had taken over my body, and I was driving it purely on instincts. That was the moment I knew, that I had found what I wanted to do in life.”

Niki was silent for a while. “That’s quite a speech there, Hunt.” He raised his eyebrows, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “You should probably talk to a reporter, I’m sure they can write a great story with that.”

“You’re such a bastard.” James spit, more amused than angry. “Don’t you have anything better to do than to chide my storytelling skills?”

Niki straightened up, “Yes actually, I came to tell you that I remember what I said last night.”

He could tell James was holding his breath, and also noticed the way his veins seemed to pulse slightly faster on his neck.

“It _is_ a very nice face. For an asshole.” Niki added with a smirk, before walking away. “See you on the flight back.”

He could hear James laughing behind, and allowed a little satisfying smile to appear on his own face before he turned the corner. Stopping briefly and making sure that he was out of sight, Niki allowed a little sigh to escape from his lips.

Memories of last night came flooding back, and he was glad James never got to the bottom of it. He was too much of an idiot to even question why Niki was drinking so much, let alone notice the reason behind him doing it.

He never intended to go to the party. Niki was more of a creature of solitude, and often preferred his own or the company of his cars over people. Niki thought back to the horrors of that party, and how every single person in the room had demanded a drink with James Hunt, who despite placing second, always seemed to be more popular than the champion. And James, being James, would never turn it down.

So Niki, being the meddlesome idiot, had decided to take it upon himself to follow the doctor’s orders to keep James away from alcohol until his liver starts to function properly. It wasn’t exactly an easy job, but he had somehow managed to take more than three quarters of the drinks James had ordered. And the guy was far too busy fuelling his gigantic ego with some South African girls to even notice it.

He felt sick just thinking about it, and made a mental note to never touch that much alcohol again. James can go and ruin whatever’s left of his liver for all he cares.

Niki let out a long breath, as if he could get rid of everything he was pissed at James about, but it was impossible. The guy was set on derailing Niki from the road of sanity. He grunted; the headaches were still killing him, and he reminded himself to take another set of painkillers once he gets back to the hotel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the ending's kind of weird and sudden...but it's late and I need sleep and I've got lab class tomorrow that's probably going to kill me by the end of it :'( 
> 
> On the bright side though, it's nearly the weekend! :D


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm sick and tired of being afraid  
> If I cry anymore then my tears will wash me away  
> But when I hear you call my name  
> I whisper the words that I never thought I'd ever say
> 
> \-------Help, by Hurts--------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slightly shorter chapter this time, because it's midnight and I have a hectic week coming up...
> 
> Warning: dark themes, do not read on if you find the idea of self-harm to be too distressing. Nothing graphic mentioned, but thought I'd put a warning up just in case.
> 
> On a happier note, Karvish kindly offered to translate this into Chinese and first chapter is already up at: http://www.mtslash.com/forum.php?mod=viewthread&tid=100655&extra=page%3D1  
> And  
> http://karvish.livejournal.com/2757.html
> 
> So for those of you who understand Chinese, head over there and show your support! I'm sure Karvish did a wonderful job with the translation :D

A flicker of light; the intruding smell of paint; wet floor covered in mould.

It always starts this way. James knew; he’s had this dream for a decade and a half, yet despite these warnings, he could never wake up.

A cold finger; the smell of sweat; naked skin against rusty bars.

Dreams were ways into the unconscious mind. Where reality is forgotten and a world full of possibilities comes to life. But for James, the memory had never left him, effectively trapping him inside its prison.

A hushed whisper; the taste of blood; silent tears falling on concrete.

It always feels like drowning. His lungs burned, his eyes watered and he could feel the water beast pulling him under. It was a child’s worst nightmare, and James was nothing more than a boy in every dream.

A broken body; silenced screams; sadistic laughter surrounding the room.

He could feel the waves crushing down, dragging him further down into the darkness, where the monster lived. He fought with everything he had, but it wasn’t enough. It was never enough. Fear, panic, anger, pain.

_Pain. Pain. Pain._

And he lay powerless before the monster, as it turned its eyes towards him, a wicked smile on its lips, before an invisible claw claimed him.

He could feel his body being ripped apart, and see in its eyes that it was savouring every second of his suffering. It was just a dream; James told himself over and over again. But the pain, the excruciating pain running through his body was real.

The monster never speaks, there’s only pure satanic laughter. James couldn’t breathe, couldn’t do anything apart from watching it torture his battered body.

Someone was screaming. James wanted to shut it out. Shut everything out and retreat back into his shell, where the monster cannot hurt him.

He could hear a voice shouting down from the surface, distorted in the water. It was too loud, too painful…he struggled, but the binds around him pulled him further down. There was laughter all around him, cruel words and betrayed trust. And the pain… _God. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts._

“JAMES!”

A single voice, shaking with panic and distraught, called him back. He could feel his body ascending to the surface until finally–

James opened his eyes and was met by a pair of brown ones, wide open and scared. Fully awake, James pushed the Austrian off him as he sat up, cold sweat rolling down his cheeks. There was silence between them, as James leaned back against the headrest and exhaled loudly, his body still shaking in the aftermath. It was still dark outside, but he could just about make out the faint street light between the curtains.

Niki had retreated to the corner of the bed, eyes never leaving James, who in turn was looking at anywhere but Niki. The dream seemed further away now that he was back in reality, but it was still too raw to be buried. James lowered his head, hoping Niki couldn’t see the smudge of wetness under his eyes, or hear the low tremors in his voice as he tried to control his erratic breathing.

“James.” There was an uncertainty in his voice as he spoke. James didn’t reply, it wasn’t a question, and anything he said would probably be a lie. He didn’t want to lie to Niki.

After another pause, Niki stood up, hesitantly walking towards the door. It was then that the panic returned.

“No,” He blurted out, fear reducing him to nothing but a child again. “Stay. Please.” His voice cracked. He didn’t dare look up, didn’t want Niki to see the look on his face right now. His pride was nothing more than a mask, a defensive weapon against the world, and right now it felt dispensable. He needed someone. He needed Niki.

There was a soft shuffling by the door, as if Niki was torn between the two choices, before finally the footsteps approached the bed, and the mattress sank down at James’s feet.

Both men sat in their respective corners, as if an invisible line was drawn between them, and they both respected it.

A moment later he felt Niki standing up, and walked over to the other side of the bed, pulling up the sheets.

“What…are you doing?” James frowned, instinctively shifting away.

Niki rolled his eyes, “Sleeping. Or I was, until I was woken up by you screaming like a girl.”

“I was _not_!” James defended, his voice coming out high pitched, “ _Screaming_ like a _girl_!”

“Just like that.” Niki said pointedly, climbing into bed, dragging a fistful of bedding towards his side. “Go to sleep, you inconsiderate asshole.”

James couldn’t help but smile, as if Niki had given him the biggest compliment. Niki would never comfort him, and James would never accept it anyway. But just his presence alone was enough to calm the panic building up inside James, bringing him back before he reached the point of snapping.

“Well, screaming like a girl is better than looking like a rat.” James commented lightly before lying back down, only to be elbowed in the stomach.

“Fuck you.” Niki grumbled, snatching more of the covers as he turned on his side.

James laughed, and even when he entered a dreamless sleep, the presence of Niki never left him.

* * *

 

When Niki woke up the next morning, he was alone in bed. He could hear the muffled sound of the shower running, and sat up straighter, rubbing his face as he tried to make sense of last night.

He had been woken up by a scream, and for a moment he thought something had happened, only to rush into the bedroom and find James shaking violently. The first thought that crossed his mind was that James was hurt, and he could not understand the panic that rose in his chest as he ran to check on him. It was only then that he realised James was _dreaming_. His eyes were firmly shut, pained sobs and incoherent shouts spilling from his throat.

For a minute Niki stood there, frozen. The sight of James Hunt, completely broken, was so inconceivable that he didn’t know what to do. There was something so wrong about it, seeing James, strong, fate-defying _James_ , reduced to _this_.

When James had opened his eyes, Niki could see intensity of the fear, it was enough to render him speechless. And when James had asked him to stay, throwing away his pride as if it was nothing, Niki knew this wasn’t just an ordinary dream.

There was a loud bang, and Niki turned his attention towards the bathroom, where the shower was still running, almost an eerie sound.

“James?” He called, slipping out of his bed and approached the wooden door, leaning against it. “What was that?”

No reply came, and against the noisy spray of water, he could just about make out other sounds. A quiet sobbing and a rhythmic pounding. His caught his breath, feeling his body tensing as he tried the handle, only to find it locked.

“James?” He called again, louder, knocking on the door. “Are you in there?”

Still nothing. Niki tried to swallow back the fear that was beginning to surface. _He wouldn’t have…_

_No._ Niki refused to think about it. James would never do that. _He’s not like you_.

“Open the door.” Niki tried again, “Come on, you asshole, get out of there. Do you know how much water bill costs?”

He wasn’t sure if James could even hear him from inside, and there was no indication even if he did. Niki shook the handle again, harder this time, but it refused to budge.

“Fuck,” He swore, running a hand through his hair as he tried to think logically. In hindsight, breaking down the door probably wasn’t his most rational move, but in that moment, the terrifying thought that James might be…the fear was so overpowering that he did not even consider the consequence of his action, before he smashed his body into the wooden frame.

The third time, it slammed open.

He found James in the bathtub, fully clothed, his eyes tightly shut as he thumped his head against the wall tiles. Niki froze, taking in the scene before him in horror, before rushing to the tap and turning the freezing water off.

James didn’t move from his position, his body was shaking, probably not entirely due to the temperature, and continued banging his head with no awareness that Niki was in the room.

Niki bent down, stopping James’s head before it hit the wall, and tried to shake him awake.

A harsh sob escaped from James, shocking Niki to retrieve his hand. He knew he had to get James out of here before he reached hypothermia. His throat felt tight as he reached out once again, gentler, and touched James’s forearm. His skin felt like icy against Niki’s warm fingers, but he didn’t flinch at the contact. Taking that as a positive sign, Niki tightened his grip around James’s arm, trying to remove him from the tub.

James’s eyes suddenly snapped open as he cried out, looking at Niki with panic.

“Niki?”

His chest tightened at how weak James sounded. The panic seemed to fade a little as James breathed deeply, standing up on shaky legs.

Niki supported him into the lounge, settling him on the sofa before wrapping his blanket around the shivering mess that was James Hunt.

“Stay here.” He instructed as he went into the kitchen, moments later returning with a cup of hot coffee. “Drink.” He placed it on the coffee table, but James made no effort to reach for it.

He stood in front of James, who could almost pass for a statue if not for the soft, involuntary whimper and the slight tremors in his body. Niki had no idea what to do; James seemed no more than a traumatised child at the moment.

So he did the only thing he could think of. He tugged a careful hand behind James’s neck and pulled him forward, until his head fell against Niki’s chest. Niki kept a hand on the back of James’s head, stroking his hair gently, trying not to let his mind wander to improper places. He remembered his mother holding him like this as a child when his father had scolded him; her embrace had been his hideout for years. Niki hoped James would find that same comfort in him.

Niki could physically feel the shivers running through James’s body, feel the wetness of his clothes and the coldness of his skin underneath. He continued the strokes until he felt James sack against him; there was a tuck at the bottom of his shirt as James’s own hands reached up and grabbed onto the fabric, pulling Niki closer.

Something odd was stirring in Niki’s stomach. He could feel the tiny movements of James’s lips against his lower chest as he breathed; his jumper dampening from the water dripping from James’s hair. The gesture was innocent, but felt strangely disturbing in Niki’s mind. His body tensed at the feel of James’s warm breath and a shiver of his own was elicited.

When James’s breathing had steadied, Niki pulled back, dropping his head as he backed a few steps away. Not meeting the Brit’s eyes.

“I’m still cold.” James said almost slyly, giving Niki a weak smile that was probably meant to be in amusement.

Niki laughed hoarsely, shaking his head at the man, a part of him thankful that the awkward issue was not addressed. He headed into the bedroom and emerged a moment later with dry clothes from James’s wardrobe.

“Get changed before you ruin the sofa, and my blanket.” Anyone else would think of him as a heartless bastard from his words, but not James. The smile he flashed at Niki, although small, was genuine and spoke volume.

When Niki came back to the living room ten minutes later, James had already changed into dryer clothes, with his other ones dumped in a soggy pool by the corner of the room.

“Are you trying to grow mould?” He rolled his eyes, picking up the wet clothes and threw them into the bathroom. “Your coffee’s getting cold. I’m not making you another one.”

James laughed quietly, his wet hair obstructing half of his face as he looked at Niki. “Aren’t you going to ask me what happened?”

“Are you going to tell me?” Niki asked nonchalantly. When James didn’t respond he went over to the couch and sat down. “Didn’t think so.”

James opened his mouth to speak, before closing them again. After a few attempts, Niki got fed up.

“If you have something to say, stop acting like a damn fish. If you don’t, I will not ask.” He surprised himself with those words, he didn’t mean for them to come out so harsh, but it didn’t appear to bother James, who was looking at him with a rather amusing look, despite the paleness on his face.

“I had a dream.” James stated, almost to himself. “But it was realt.” Niki cursed him silently. English wasn’t his first language, but sometimes he felt like he could express himself better than James could.

“I’ve had the same one for years,” He continued, “it never got this bad though. At least not for a long time.” He added softly, his thumb circling his wrist unconsciously. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know I was going to relapse again. It was just bad timing.”

“Relapse? You mean this has happened before?”

James looked like he regretted his words, “A…few times…” He swallowed. “You must think I’m pathetic.” He didn’t wait for Niki to reply. “Believe it or not, this wasn’t the worst one I’ve had.”

He turned his head and held Niki’s eyes, “I used to have black outs often, and find myself in places doing things that I don’t remember. Last day of school, I found myself sitting in boys toilet, having no memory as to how I got there. And you know what I saw myself doing? Slicing my arm open with a paper knife.” He laughed weakly, his hand unconsciously wrapping around his left arm. “By the time they found me I was barely conscious. I spent three days in intensive care, and the following year in therapy.”

Niki tried not to show his emotions on his face, but it was hard not to. James had averted his eyes away, his hair effectively masking his face.

“Who’d have thought that Hunt the Shunt was such a pathetic coward, right?” He laughed, but it was devoid of humour. “What do you make of that then? Go ahead, get mad, or teach me a lesson on how life is so precious.”

Niki noticed the way James’s voice had taken on a malicious turn, and feel the defences building around him. Still he said nothing, and James snapped his eyes up, defiance masking the hurt underneath.

“What, you’re not going to say anything?” James lashed out, “No great words of wisdom from the omniscient Niki Lauda?”

“No.” Niki said finally, meeting James’s eyes boldly. He couldn’t because…he also–

“Why not?”

Niki held James’s eyes for a while, the weight of what he was about to do crushing down on him. Having made a decision, he pulled up his sleeve, revealing a needle sized hole in his left arm, almost fading but still visible.

“Niki…” James stared at the old wound in horror, “You…”

Niki looked away this time, his arm dropping to rest on his thigh.

“3 years ago, I tried to kill myself.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Cries*. Have to be up in six hours...I'm going to be a zombie in my lectures tomorrow -_-
> 
> P.S. I think I read somewhere that Niki had contemplated suicide at one point between 1972 and 1973 as a result of his debt and the unsuccessful F1 season. So I played around with that idea, hopefully it's not too far stretched. More will be explained in next chapter! 
> 
> James, on the other hand, will probably take another few chapters before we get to the whole of his backstory. 
> 
> Thanks to everyone who has read, left kudos, and/or commented! You guys are the best! <33333


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As much as I'd like the past not to exist  
> It still does  
> And as much as I'd like to feel like I belong here  
> I'm just as scared as you 
> 
> \----Lost in Paradise, by Evanescence-----

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...anyone up for more angst? I don't think my heart can take much more before it breaks...
> 
> Also, sorry for any mistakes here...it's late, again, and I'm only half awake. Will definitely revisit it later on and correct them!

James couldn’t tear his eyes away from the sight in front of him; the faint spot on Niki’s arm suddenly seemed so salient. His mind processed several thoughts in parallel along with Niki’s last words.

_I tried to kill myself._

Niki Lauda, the epitome of logic, the guy who would never get in a car with more than twenty percent risk, had attempted suicide? That wasn’t possible. Niki would never do that. James could not, _would_ not accept that.

The silence between them dragged on uncomfortably, James wanted to say something, but nothing seemed fitting. What happened in the shower was almost forgotten as James tried to process this new piece of information.

“What…was it?” He asked finally, placing a tentative finger slightly above the scar. He felt Niki flinch at the touch, but didn’t pull away.

“…narcotics…” Niki said rather calmly, averting his eyes away from his arm. “The hotel maid found me. Guess I was lucky.”

“Guess you were.” James said in a tight voice, removing his hand away as he sat rigidly in his seat. “Why…how could you…?”

Niki looked at James with hardened eyes. “It wasn’t a good season. I was in debt. My family had cut me off.” He swallowed thickly, “I didn’t have anyone.”

James couldn’t help but feel angry. They had known each other back then. If they had been friends instead of rivals, maybe it wouldn’t have happened. He stood up, searching for a cigarette in the kitchen before heading back into the lounge, leaning against the wall in the corner.

Niki glanced up at him from the couch. “I was naïve, and stupid.”

James scoffed a mouthful of smoke. “You’re not supposed to be like that.” James knew he was supposed to be the one with the unhealthy habits, not Niki. Niki’s meant to be strong, and rational, everything James was not.

“I–”

“I find it hard to believe that the man who is always analytical and careful on the tracks was willing to throw away his life as if it was worth nothing.” James spit, resentfully, though most of it was directed inwards.

“And you?” Niki retorted, “You drive with no regard for your life or anyone else’s, what does that say about you?”

A fist tightened by his side as he took out the cigarette, his lungs burned but it wasn’t from the smoke. “My life has never been worth anything.” He said bitterly, “You think I don’t know I’m on a self-destructive course? Why do you think Suzy left? But you’re not like me. I can waste my life, you once said, but you should never waste yours.”

Niki stared at him with hard eyes, his own hands curling into fists in his lap. “What gives you the right to decide that, you asshole?”

James looked down, his hands tightened for a second before they flexed out, breathing out a defeated sigh. “When did things get so messed up?” He pushed himself off the wall, head down as he crossed the living room.

“James…this doesn’t change anything.”

He paused behind the sofa, his back to Niki. “No.” He whispered, “It doesn’t.” For years James had lived believing that Niki and him were opposites, in personalities and the history that shaped them. But he wasn’t so sure now. Niki’s sudden confession and his trust in James were startling. He knew that Niki wasn’t the type to put faith in people often; he’d rather shoulder everything by himself than trust someone else with it. James wasn’t sure if he could handle that amount of trust without breaking it.

It only seemed fitting to show the same faith James had in Niki, to entrust him with the fears that plagued his dreams. But it wasn’t a question of trust anymore. James trusted Niki, more than anyone else, but some secrets are never meant to be told.

“Thanks,” James said over his shoulder, a little awkward. “You know, for…earlier.”

Niki turned his head a fraction back, “If I had let you freeze to death, they’ll put the blame on me. And what will the F1 be like without James Hunt?”

James chuckled, feeling the tension between them dissolving. “Is that German for 'I care about you'?”

Niki insulted him without thinking twice, some colourful vocabulary in German that James had a vague understanding of. Before he could come up with something equally rude his stomach growled loudly. He hoped Niki hadn’t heard that, but when he turned around Niki was looking up at him with raised eyebrows, an amusing smirk playing on his lips.

“Want breakfast?” James offered in a light tone, as if the conversation between them never happened. “I know this really good café down the street, and there’s this blond waitress–”

“About earlier…” Niki’s face became serious again, “Can we…”

“It doesn’t change anything. You said that.” James said, equally serious. “It was…in the past.” _And the past should stay in the past._ “So, breakfast, I hear they do the best pancakes.”

Niki frowned. “I hate sweet things.”

The look James gave him was one of pure horror.

They left the apartment ten minutes later, James describing animatedly how pancakes are the best thing ever to be created, with Niki happily refuting him. Despite this, the weight of this morning still hangs between them, like a silent reminder that not all was fine.

* * *

 

The topic never came up again, but something had obviously changed since then. Niki found James staring at him more often than before, looking away quickly whenever he was caught and covered it up with some pathetic excuse.

Something had changed in James. He became quieter, and Niki never thought the day would come when he actually missed James’s annoying chatter. The change was subtle, and apart from a few questionable looks from Alastair, no one else noticed anything different. But it didn’t escape Niki’s careful observations. He could feel James’s eyes on him every time they’re in the same room, the silent sighs from his lips and the way he cast his eyes down whenever they sat together.

There finally came a time when Niki has had enough.

He hated the look in James’s eyes. It wasn’t pity. James doesn’t do pity. No, it was guilt. And it was so much worse.

It didn’t take a genius to realise that James blamed himself for what Niki did. Did he think that he could have somehow prevented it? Niki could almost laugh at the absurdity of the question. He hated himself for giving in, but he hated James for feeling like the bloody martyr.

When he came back from practice, he was greeted with the deafening sound of the fire alarm and a room full of smoke. Coughing as he rushed into the kitchen, he found James doubling over, desperately fanning the oven.

“What are you doing?” Niki demanded, opening the windows.

James grimaced, then yelped as his fingers touched the grill in an attempt to take out whatever that was burning inside. Niki scoffed, sometimes it was hard to believe James was the older one.

“What made you think it was a good idea to touch that?” He rolled his eyes, pulling James to his feet before shoving his hand in the sink. “Run water over it. Unless you want to wake up with a swollen hand.”

The shrieking alarm finally quietened as the smoke thinned. Sighing, Niki proceeded to grab a cloth and took out the oven tray. Definitely burned, he concluded as he stared down at the black rock that might have been edible in its previous life.

“What the hell is this?” He shook his head, dumping it into the waste bin. “You know you can’t cook.”

James looked slightly deflated by the sink, his hand starting to turn blue from the cold tap. “Oh come on, I tried! At least give me some credit.”

Niki stared at him in disbelief. “You want me to praise you for chocking yourself?” He turned off the tap, trying to ignore the shiver that ran through James’s body as his frozen fingers flexed. It didn’t look too bad. James may be stupid, but his reflex was surprisingly good.

“I was just trying to make us dinner.” James protested, blowing gently on his fingers, the sight making Niki look away.

“You think I don’t know? How you’re acting strange lately?” Niki said, his voice raising a little as he saw the guilt returning to James’s eyes. He clutched his hands together, desperately restraining himself from smacking some sense into that asshole.

James shrugged, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I was just making dinner.”

Niki scoffed, shaking his head. “Don’t take me for an idiot. You think I don’t notice it? The way you’ve been looking at me?”

For a second there was panic on James’s face, but the mask quickly slid back to place. “What way? Come on Niki, now you’re just paranoid.”

“I can see it, you asshole. The guilt.” Niki snapped.

James swallowed visibly, blinking a few times before his shoulders hunched, like a kid who had just been caught stealing sweets.

“I don’t need you feeling sorry for me.”

The passivity in James’s posture had turned into something heated and angry. “You think I feel sorry for you?”

“You feel guilty. It’s the same thing.”

James shook his head, taking a step towards him. “I just wish I could have been there to stop it.” He whispered, eyes fluttering as they scanned down Niki’s arm. “I–”

“Don’t give me that crap.” Niki glared, a finger almost jabbing at James’s chest. “I’m not one of your fucked up girls. I’m not fragile.”

James smiled a little at that, throwing Niki off balance suddenly. “No, you’re not.” He pushed Niki’s finger away gently, looking down.

Niki took a step back before the pause became awkward. “So stop looking at me like that.” _Stop looking at me like you think I might break_.

A few seconds later James nodded. Letting out a long sigh, Niki went over to the fridge, settling a few things on the counter.

“What are you doing?” James peeked from behind.

“Making dinner.” _Since you are clearly an incompetent human being_.

James frowned, a nervous smile appeared on his lips. “You won’t try to poison me, will you?” “

Don’t give me ideas.” Niki said nonchalantly, smirking a little at the sight of James’s face. “Here, cut the carrots, be useful.”

James muttered a complaint before taking the sticks from him. Against his better judgement, Niki allowed a little glance over his shoulder, where James was immensely focused on his task. His eyes unconsciously drifted to the biceps exposed under the rolled up sleeves, and for a moment, his barrier lowered, allowing the tiniest, improper thought to enter his mind.

There was a slight tenseness in his body as he took in the mystery form that was James Hunt. Niki realised, to his dismay, that he had entrusted James with one of his greatest secrets. Yet there were still many things he did not know about James. The man had the appearance of an open book, but Niki knew, upon closer examination, that each page was coded, and there was no logical way of solving it.

James was strong. Maybe even more than he was. Niki could sense the amount of will power and strength boiling under that rough, tanned skin. But when he had found James in the bathroom, he had looked so frail. Niki knew not to ask about it, but he couldn’t help but wonder what on earth had made one of the strongest men he knew tremble in fear.

Swallowing uneasily, he continued to dress the meat, all the while wondering when he had become so involved in someone else’s life.

* * *

 

_28th March, 1976_

_United States GP West_

James could hear Niki’s stomping footsteps outside the tent, moments later, the fuming Austrian appeared.

“Shouldn’t you be on the podium?” James inquired without looking up from where he was inspecting the engine. “Second place isn’t all that bad, you know.”

He saw Niki’s feet from under the car. Sliding out, he gave Niki a questioned look.

“What the fuck were you thinking?” Niki hissed, his body almost shaking in fury. “Is winning that important to you, asshole?”

James grinned, straightening up. “Of course. I don’t know why you’re so pissed at me. It wasn’t me who took away your first place. I was out in the third lap.”

“Because you were careless. That’s why you collided with Depailler.” Niki took in a deep breath, and James waited for the bomb. “You were a train wreck out there! Sure, you’re fast, but you’re going to get yourself, and anyone near you on that track killed!”

James wiped the smile from his face, scoffing a little as he walked past Niki towards the tool box on the table. “You’re being overly dramatic. I had everything in control.” When he turned Niki was right behind him, eyes burning with anger.

“Look, Niki,” James sighed, leaning against the furniture. “I’m flattered that you seem to care so much about my welfare, but it’s my race just as much as it is yours. I don’t fuss over your techniques, so leave mine alone.”

He tried to push past Niki, but he was one step faster, and effectively cornered James against the table.

“It’s more important to finish the race, than to win it. That’s how you stay alive.” He said in a low, husky whisper, sending pulses down James’s limbs.

“No, you stay alive by risking it.” James leaned forward, until the space between them was small enough to be considered awkward. “I wanted to win something for the first time, to feel like my life was worth something. I found it in racing, but to win, you have to be willing to throw away your life.”

Niki blinked, the look in his eyes changing from anger, to surprise, then confusion. James bit his tongue, reprimanding himself for the unconscious slip. Feeling like Niki could see right down to his heart if he stayed here any longer, he gathered himself up and walked past. Niki didn’t bother to stop him this time.

He slipped past the cheerful crowd, no one noticed him, even the paparazzi didn’t seem to bother him today. He looked past the people towards the podium, where Niki’s teammate Regazzoni stood at the top, surrounded by a bouquet of flowers and a bottle of champaign. He didn’t look twice at him before leaving the pits.

By the time he returned to the hotel, it was already past four in the morning. He walked past Niki’s room, slowing his footsteps on purpose, as if waiting for the door to open. It didn’t. James laughed at himself for thinking the impossible.

He opened the door to his room, and a card slipped out from the wedge. He picked it up, flipping it open as he entered the room.

His blood suddenly ran cold. He opened his mouth to breathe but he was chocking. It was as if someone had switched off the oxygen in the room. He stumbled towards the bedroom in the dark, clutching the bed frame for support as he slipped down onto the floor. His eyes wide open, blinded, but seeing _so much_ all at once.

He was vaguely aware of his body shaking. He felt so cold; drawing his knees up like he did as a child, he buried his head, as if that could block out the terrifying laughter surrounding the room.

The note slipped out of his hand onto the cold floor, the message burned into his memory.

_Shame about the race today, James. I look forward to your next one._

_RJ_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmm...I wasn't sure about the ending...might have to change it later on if it doesn't fit in with the next few chapters...I am planning to stick to the main storyline without deviating too much, the only thing I'll be playing around with is probably James's history, which isn't described in detail in the film anyway.
> 
> Hopefully I can get another update before the week ends, but I've got performance coming up from friday to next monday, so I'll have to see. Feel kind of bad for leaving you here, but I have been told I'm secretly evil :P
> 
> Thanks to everyone who's still reading!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the slight delay...longer chapter though! :D
> 
> We'll be taking a little break from the mystery at the end of the last chapter, but that means more time devoted to the blossoming relationship between our boys! Who's up for angst? Fluff? A bit of blood?

 

_"Who will love you? Who will fight? And who will fall behind"_

_-Birdy, Skinny Love-_

* * *

 

Niki didn’t know what had changed. In the last few weeks, James looked significantly paler and withdrawn. It might be the stress, but James still had the same carefree lifestyle as before, minus the alcohol of course. Nothing had changed in his diet, though Niki can’t say it was ever healthy to begin with. James spent more and more time away, creeping back silently in the early hours of the morning before heading off again. Sometimes Niki could go for a whole day without seeing him.

He wasn’t worried. Niki had convinced himself that he wasn’t. There was really no reason to. James was a fully grown adult, and what he does in his spare time is of no concern of anyone’s.

James had been spacing out more and more recently too. Niki caught him sitting on his bed as he left for practice, and when he came back, James was still in the same position, staring blankly out the window. It had been dangerous the time when it happened on the tracks. Niki was half a lap behind, catching up steadily. As he turned the corner, he saw James’s car swerving off the road, braking violently before it hit the bend.

James said, mostly to himself, that he just blacked out. That it was happening again. When Niki tried to make him expand on the matter, he just plastered that ridiculous smile on his face and told him everything was fine.

Like hell it was.

Niki may know about cars more than he did about people, but he knew enough to be able to tell when someone’s hiding something.

And then, those rare nights when James was actually home, things got worse.

Niki would be woken up at two, three in the morning, and he knew instinctively, even without perfect hearing, that James was thrashing in his bed, the nightmares plaguing his sleep. At first he had hesitated by the door, listening to see if James would calm down by himself. Sometimes he would, and Niki would go back to sleep and pretend nothing had happened the next day.

But other times, Niki would carry himself into the room. James normally stays unconscious, and Niki did his best not to disturb him. He could smell the sweat in the air, feel the dampness of the sheets as he leaned over, placing a tentative hand against James’s forehead and brushed away the golden strands from his eyes. He wasn’t sure why he was doing it. He could have simply slept through those strangled sobs, and yet he was here, offering silent comforts and hushed reassurances.

Niki would sit on the edge of the bed, his fingers softly entwined in James’s hair, feeling the same shivers running through the both of them. Gradually he could feel James’s body relax and sink down on the mattress, and knew that the nightmare had left him.

Then he would simply leave, and the next morning, James would joke rudely at the breakfast table, and Niki would retort back with equally insulting phrases. None of them ever mentioning the night before.

It had become a routine of some sort, until James started staying out longer.

The first time Niki saw them, he didn’t think much of it. It was far from strange to see James courting a woman, a blond one as well. He had simply rolled his eyes and went back to the apartment, waiting to make snarky comments when James returned.

He didn’t that night.

The next few days, Niki slept peacefully. Even when James had returned, the nightmares seemed to vanish.

A week later, Niki saw them again. He had just returned from his car maintenance, and as he turned the street, a car drove past and stopped a hundred feet or so in front. He slowed down his footsteps, and before long he saw James emerging from the door, smiling as he entered the vehicle.

Niki could see the woman as she drove away, the same blond. It was rare for James to meet the same woman twice, even rarer when he was sober.

He told himself that he didn’t care; James can fuck whoever he wants, whenever he wants. But he there was a growing bud of bitterness, as he wondered if her hands had been the ones brushing against James’s face as he slept, chasing away his nightmares, providing the same comfort Niki had given to him unconditionally.

* * *

 

_2nd May, 1976_

_Spanish GP_

James stormed into the Ferrari team, barely containing his anger as his eyes sought out Lauda, who was bending over his car nonchalantly.

“Hey! Rat!” He shouted, everyone making way as he charged through like a beast. “What the fuck are you playing at?”

Niki straightened up, cocking his eyebrows as he stared sternly at James. “Keep your voice down, Hunt. This is not a bar.”

“I know it was you!” James growled, scaring a few mechanics away. “You had no bloody right! I had you and you now it!”

An exasperated sigh. “Look, asshole, you are the one with the wide car. You are the one they disqualified– ”

“Because of you!” James hissed, backing Niki into the corner, his body shaking in anger.

Niki didn’t seem at all intimidated, if anything he stared at James with equal intensity. “No.” He said slowly, his voice low but commanding. “Stop pushing the blame onto everyone else. If you are frustrated, then beat me in the next race.”

James scoffed. Yeah, next race. He wanted to win today, more than all of the other times. He knew _he_ came to watch today. He could feel _his_ stare following him, even now. He had wanted to prove that he could win this, to show _him_ that he wasn’t broken…

“James?” Alastair’s voice appeared around the corner, “What the hell are you doing? Let him go.”

James realised he was clutching onto Niki’s shirt, half pushing half pulling him against the wall. Teeth clenched, he loosened his grip, taking a step back.

“I know he ratted us out,” James spit venomously, glaring at the Austrian. “Like the rat that you are.”

Niki appeared to be taken back by the raw bitterness in James’s voice, and for a second, he regretted those words as he saw the expression on the other man’s face, but then reminded himself that Niki was the one who ruined everything James had worked hard for. Everything he endured, all to show _him_ , to tell _him_ that _he_ had no control over his life anymore…all ruined, because of Niki Lauda, who couldn’t keep his damn mouth shut.

“What’s going on?” Another voice joined in; Regazzoni stood by the door, eyeing the three of them suspiciously.

“Nothing.” Alastair said calmly, looking at James. “We were just leaving. James.”

James heard the warning in his manager’s voice, but his glares were still furiously settled on Lauda, who looked at him with a mixture of anger and hurt. _Hurt_. James laughed in his head. He was the one who’s hurt. Not the rat.

“We’ll talk back home.” James said, eyeing him one more time before turning, coming face to face with two confused faces.

“Home?” Regazzoni looked between the two of them, frowning. Alastair did the same, his mouth slightly open as he looked for James for an explanation.

“Yeah, what about it?” James said in annoyance, “Weren’t you the one who arranged this?”

All three pairs of eyes fell on Niki, who opened his mouth but nothing came out. Realisation hit James, as he let out a cold laugh, walking back towards where he was standing.

“I get it now.” He shook his head, eyeing Lauda. “Was this your plan? To move in, get inside my head, and what, find an opportunity to disqualify me?”

“James–”

“Well done, bastard. You succeeded.” James narrowed his eyes, his hands tightened into fists at his side, and it took everything he had not to smash them into Lauda’s damn face.

“I don’t want to see you when I get back.” James warned, “Get your stuff and get the fuck out of my house.”

Niki’s eyes widened a fraction at his harsh words, blinking a few times as if he didn’t hear what James said. Throwing one last look at the bastard, James turned away, storming out of the room quickly before the guilt from his words seeped through.

He didn’t look back to see Niki slumping against the wall, so he couldn’t have known about the effects of his words. The betrayal stung. Did Niki take him for a fool? James had almost poured his heart out to the man, but he had lied. Was everything a lie? Was it all an attempt to befriend the enemy and poison him when he was asleep?

It shouldn’t hurt this much. James carried himself as far away as he could, pushing through the crowd of people. He might have considered Niki as a friend at some point, but even then, it didn’t make sense to feel as much emotion as he did right now. Anger, hurt, they were mingling into one intangible mess.

He sincerely hoped Niki wouldn’t be there when he got back, for his own sake.

* * *

 

 

Marlene sat down beside Niki on the bed, a gentle hand laid over his. He knew what her eyes were saying without even looking up. He didn’t shift from his position, but lightly squeezed her hand in acknowledgement.

She hasn’t asked any questions since he returned, and he had been quiet too; angry at James’s outburst, angry at himself.

Her eyes were cast down as he turned to look at her; she had lost weight, Niki realised. He felt guilty; it was his duty to stay with her and made sure she was properly looking after herself, but instead he had been lodging at James’s, only coming back to her when he was kicked out.

“I’m sorry,” He said, stroking her hand. “For leaving, for coming back so suddenly.”

She shook her head. “I understand.” A hand caressed his cheek, “You look tired. Are you still thinking about James?”

Niki swallowed, lowering his head, refusing to let Marlene see the weakness in his eyes. He never considered the possibility of staying with James for so long, so the thought that his lie might be caught had never crossed his mind.

“I’m sure he didn’t mean it,” She continued softly, “He’s just upset he lost the race. Give him time.”

Niki didn’t want to give him time. It would mean that he actually wanted James’s company back, and his pride wouldn’t allow that. It was time Niki got back to his own life, with Marlene, and his interaction with James should be limited to races only. That’s how things were before, and that’s how things should be.

Looking up at the faithful woman sitting beside him, the one who stuck by him all this time even when he had put others above her, he wanted to give her reassurance. To give himself some certainty. He wasn’t sure what made him say it, especially now, but the words rushed out of his mouth before they were logically analysed and its consequences weighed up.

“Will you marry me?” His own eyes widened at his question, realising the full extent of what he had just asked. He waited with a racing heart, even though he dreaded either answer.

He watched her face turn from confusion to surprise, before she gave him a slight smile, placing her hand against his face.

“No, Niki.” She whispered, leaning in to kiss him on the forehead, laughing a little as she saw his expression. “I love you, Niki. But you didn’t mean to ask me that, you’re upset.”

The disappointment wasn’t overwhelming. In a way, he felt relieved. She had seen through him, and he was grateful for her answer.

He nodded simply, his ego somehow wasn’t as bruised as he thought it’d be. He leaned forward, kissing her lightly on the lips. She drew back soon, looking at Niki with seriously.

“You miss him, don’t you?” She asked, without accusation, just acceptance.

Niki didn’t want to admit it, but the truth was that he did somewhat miss the company. Asshole the man may be, but he had pushed his way into Niki’s life and before he knew it, James Hunt had become a constant variable.

“You can’t hide it forever, Niki. I’ve seen it, you’re important to him just as much as he is to you.” She paused, “The man that I fell in love with would never abandon someone that important.”

“You’re important.” More than Hunt, Niki wanted to say, but for some reason couldn’t.

She bit her lower lip, her eyes sad. “He is too. You can’t keep running away, the sooner you talk to him, the better.” She stood up, “I’m going to France for a few days, to visit a friend. Talk to him, Niki. You need him in your life.”

The guilt was evident on his face; he wanted to negate her, to tell her that he needed her the most, but he knew those words would hurt her more. She must have known it too, as she quietly made her exit, leaving Niki alone with his thoughts until the next morning.

* * *

 

James had nearly forgotten what it feels like to be punched. The feel of the adrenaline pumping, the taste of blood in his mouth, the terrifying thrill he experienced. Bending over the counter, he wiped the blood from his nose, smirking a little at the sight before turning to the attacker.

“That all you’ve got?” He mocked, eyes glittering with excitement as he dodged another fist. His laughter was short lived as the man attacked again, hitting him in the ribs. He grimaced, eyes narrowing at the man before lunging at him.

They were only pulled apart when the police arrived ten minutes later, by which point both men were covered in blood and alcohol and vomit.

James would probably have kept hitting him if no one had stopped them. He wasn’t the sort of men who did things half way, especially when his pride was on the line. But this time, it wasn’t about him.

It started with James having a few harmless drinks with the bartender, a beautiful petite brunette. A couple of local guys came in moments later, completely ignorant of his presence, and talked about their shitty lives like anyone gave a fuck.

Then their topic turned towards the Spanish GP, where their infamous British hero, James Hunt, had lost points to the infamous Austrian asshole, Niki Lauda. Words even James had thought twice about using flowed like poetry out of their mouths, laughing as they commented on how the rat should know its place.

James had been holding his anger down successfully, but that reached a snapping point, and before he knew it, the drinks had been swept off the table, and his fist smashed into the man before he could even finish his sentence.

It wasn’t as if James had forgiven Niki. He was still angry as hell, but somewhere in his mind he had established the rule that no one else has a right to insult Niki like he does. He was still furious with the results, with Niki’s passiveness, with his own cruel words. But Niki should never be talked about in such ways, especially not by the likes of them.

He wasn’t kept long by the police before they released him, with another warning added to the growing list. Heading down the street half covered in blood, he saw the one person he never imagined to find in a run-down, dimly lit café.

Grabbing his hair in frustration, he groaned, rubbing his face in an attempt to get rid of the blood, and made the decision to walk in.

He was a few feet away when Niki looked up. Their eyes locked for longer than they were comfortable with. James shuffled his feet, breaking the contact.

“What are you doing here?” Niki spoke first, frowning as he examined James’s body. “Another fight?”

James ached to drag him back to the apartment, and go back to how they were before the race. But that would mean being the submissive one, and James had long gotten used to the dominant role.

“I could ask you the same thing,” He said without making eye contact. “What is Niki Lauda doing in a crappy coffee shop?” He threw a glance towards the waiter behind the counter. “Sorry, no offence.”

“That’s none of your business.” Niki said formally, his mouth pressed into a thin line of disapproval.

James sighed in exasperation. The damned Austrian wasn’t making it any easier for James to apologise. He missed Niki’s company; truthfully speaking, he hasn’t been back home ever since they returned from Spain. The house didn’t feel the same anymore without that asshole constantly annoying the life out of him.

“You’re not staying at Marlene’s?” He saw the luggage Niki had tried to push behind his chair. “Don’t tell me you’re planning to stay here tonight?”

Niki narrowed his eyes in defiance, “Still none of your business, Hunt.”

Sighing, he rolled his eyes and grabbed a hold of Niki’s arm, dragging him up and pulling him towards the door. Shocked at first, Niki recovered soon and slapped his grip away, looking at James angrily.

“What do you think you’re doing, you asshole?” He growled, his voice dangerously low.

James stared back with equal fierceness; “Were you expecting me to leave here without you? Come on, Niki. I’m trying, so help me out here.”

“Trying? To do what? To apologise?” Niki scoffed, “What for? You had every right to say that. I turned you in, remember?”

“You’re a terrible liar.”

Without another word, James retreated back to the table, pulling the luggage towards the door. “I’m not giving this back to you, so you’d better shut up and follow me.”

Niki cursed as he grabbed the other end of his bag, but James refused to budge. He grinned as he realised his hold was stronger. Snatching it from Niki’s grip, he laughed triumphantly before heading down the dark street.

“You’re crazy!” Niki called from behind, catching up. “Why are you doing this?”

James looked at him sideways, his heart starting to race and he blamed it on the left over adrenaline. “I missed you?” He chuckled, allowing it to sound more like a joke than a statement.

Niki’s eyes lit up for a second before they narrowed, “You’re an asshole.”

“Touché, Niki.” A smirk played on his lips; “But don’t think I’ve forgiven you that easily. You lied, took advantage of my hospitality, my innocent, defenceless–”

Pain was an effective way to shut him up. James considered himself lucky that he only woke up the next morning with a twisted shoulder and bruised arm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah...I'm going to sleep now. Will probably read this again in the morning and find a gazillion mistakes :/ thanks again to everyone reading this! You guys are doing a great job at making me stay motivated!


End file.
